Wednesday, December 2, 2015 - 6:15pm

Everyone born in late August and the first two-thirds of September will assemble at my apartment, remove their clothes and sing “Livin’ La Vida Loca.” Then, we will weep, for what lands are left to conquer?

Tuesday, December 1, 2015 - 6:58pm
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I’d say she looked “really hot” and she’d tell me I was “incorrigible.”

Tuesday, November 17, 2015 - 6:08pm
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What did the entomologist’s wife say to her husband when his bug was depressed? Your fly is down.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015 - 7:17pm
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There’s a pile, and it’s made up of all the bad. And the pile grows and infects like cancer, which is, according to scientists, also bad news bears.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015 - 5:17pm
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“Jeremiah was a bullfrog! Was a good friend of mine!” – a genius.

Can I call this a humor column yet? Whenever someone asks me about it (this has happened twice), I want to say, “I write humor, nyah!” but I’m afraid they’ll stab me in the eye with a copy of the New Yorker. Or vomit. Ah well. Living is the worst part about life. Also, genocide, rape and death. Also, socks with holes in ‘em.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015 - 7:24pm
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First, a joke: University President Mark Schlissel, if by “party culture” you mean sitting alone in your room, listening to a Pete Holmes podcast and thinking about masturbating, then I am definitely devaluing my education.

Thank you.

Spoiler Alert: This ends at 3:30 a.m. with a couch, a movie and my Someone Special. Gush, nay?

Here goes:

Tuesday, September 15, 2015 - 11:50am
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I have met the devil. He has a bushy tail. Let me explain.

On a dry February morning freshman year, my friends and I met by the Cube to travel to Pennsylvania or Indiana or somewhere like Indiana and Pennsylvania. Iowa?

I stood with Karibou (his real name is Adam — no explanation necessary). We were talking about something light — lamps or feathers, can’t remember which — when something distracted us: a squirrel, the size of a microwave, scuttling beneath a bare-branched tree. I held out my hand and performed my self-taught squirrel call:

Tk-Tk-Tk-Tk-Tk.

Monday, September 14, 2015 - 6:30pm
The Michigan Theater has evolved in many ways since it opened in 1928.

“The Michigan Theater is an interesting laboratory for studying how things are completely different and exactly the same.”

Sunday, September 13, 2015 - 6:37pm

But can “Watchman” tarnish Harper Lee’s legacy? I doubt it. It’s the first pass at the work that would become one of the capital-G Greatest novels in American literature. For that reason alone, “Go Set a Watchman” is worth every page, every word, every moment of your time. It is an artifact, and like any artifact, it should be studied.