It’s a new year, new me, new season of the Bachelor and same sense of hopelessness in the human condition. For the twentieth time, men, women and Chris Harrison all line up for their chance at love, loss and a legacy in the key of reality television fame. Will Ben find his true love? Will girls go home crying, kicking or screaming? Will Chris Harrison finally be crowned the next Bachelorette? All this and more will be revealed on this season of The Bachelor.

Twins. A chicken enthusiast. An uncomfortable engagement followed by eventual estrangement and then a quasi-public separation. A wedding invitation. A russian. A miniature horse named Huey. A successful marriage. One of those things didn’t appear outside the mansion the first or second week and I’ll give you a hint, it was the marriage. But as a dedicated viewer of all things Bachelor since seventh grade, I’ve given up hope on that one.

With marriage success rates as high as that of ChatRoulette dates, The Bachelor welcomed the next set of victims, *ahem,* young ladies into the mansion last week, and it is hard not to point out their attempt at diversity in the picks (I’m talking to you, redhead). To recap as effectively as possible, the girls everyone hates will be Olivia and Lace — both of whom were sufficiently despicable on the first night.

Lace, trying to ensure we remember her name and horrid personality, helpfully wore, (you guessed it!) a lace dress. How much brain power was used in that decision? Only God will ever know. Complimenting this glib article of clothing was her attempt at boldness by insisting eye contact be held between Ben and her at all times. Ben hasn’t blinked since.

Olivia, on the other hand, was simply terrifying. She isn’t necessarily horrible, but that wide, toothy smile and noticeable existence of crazy eyes is enough to tell us that she didn’t need the self-assurance the first impression rose gave her. She should also close her mouth — unless she purposefully trying to catch flies.

The traditional plot twist arose where more and more girls are thrown in to make it The Most Dramatic Episode of The Bachelor Yet only to achieve a refreshing, yet unpleasant effect. In this case, two women were brought back from previous seasons and thrown into the lion’s den: Becca, whose label was and forever will be The Virgin thanks to the reliable permanence of the Internet, and Amber, who no one remembers.

In accordance with Bachelor Nation Rules, at least one contestant has a child that can be exploited for personal gain, and job titles have been invented for those who never received a high school degree. From dog lover to free spirit to chicken enthusiast to twin, the Bachelor never fails to broaden my worldview and help me realize that any point if I want to drop out of college and flee to Puerto Rico, there will still be options open for me to succeed.

Seven girls were helplessly left to the streets that fateful night, girls whose names I don’t remember and will never think about again. He even got rid of the redhead (there goes the diversity card), but surprisingly kept The Russian, who never spoke a word of English the entire episode. I guess mystery is the key to a man’s heart. That and boobs.

And on we go to Week Two, a treasure trove of an episode with celebrity guests soliciting themselves for money, women crawling for a shred of fame by soliciting their secrets for attention and science taking major losses.

There was some irrelevant group date at the beginning of the episode involving a high school scavenger hunt, so I, of course, immediately blacked out. When consciousness was regained, token nerd Mandy was jumping hurdles like a boss and getting the rose that Ben, not inconspicuously, reluctantly gave her. They rode off into the sunset and Mandy was never to be seen again.

And now for the celebrities. Kevin Hart and Ice Cube show up to sweep away Ben and LB for a Ride Along 3, but I and several of the contestants failed to realize there was a Ride Along 2. All I have to say is liquor and condom shopping with a previous member of N.W.A. is out of The Bachelor’s league. But I’ll leave you with the question: How short does Chris Harrison have to be to make Kevin Hart appear normally sized? Dwell on that and we’ll come back to it later.

Lace is sadly still there, saved by ABC’s desperate need to fuel the drama and craziness that makes this show enjoyable. Her craziness and insecurities grow at an exponential rate while Ben makes no sudden movements, for fear that the wild animal will strike at any moment. In other news, Netflix has found its star for the next season of “Making a Murderer.”

Science couldn’t have taken a bigger hit with this episode, as the producers apparently tried to clean their consciences by using a degraded form of empirical research to defend the premise of their show. After subsequent smelling, touching, running and Siamese twin separation akin to the work of Ben Carson, the results were in and Olivia was crowned queen. The doctor may be a fraud and most certainly has had his license revoked for some kind of illegal research, but he’ll stand by his science until the end. Or prison. Whichever comes first. Olivia receives the rose making her an untouchable, in every sense of the word.

More irrelevants were sent home, Lace stayed for the ratings (and her stunning personality) and no one died. Oh, and the Russian speaks English.

 

To conclude, three power moves of the night.

  1. K. Hart stripping down in a hot tub with strangers. Unhygienic? Maybe. ABC’s sorry attempt at humor? Probably. Power move? Definitely.

  2. LB’s solo walk off. I would call it the feminist version of Juan Pablo’s, but Juan Pablo was feminine to begin with. Power move, LB. Power move.

  3. Chris Harrison with the casual plum tie on the light purple blouse. Yes, I mean blouse, not a men’s dress shirt.

 

Quote of the week:

Ben: “What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a woman?”

Ice Cube: “Well… I married one.”

 

I see you Ice Cube, I see you.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.