Today is Yom Kippur. The international day of Jewish repentance. A day of reflection, atonement and not eating. A day to look back on the year and contemplate one’s sins, failures and mistakes. Thinking back on the year and all of the people I may have offended or the minor traffic laws I may have violated or the shade I may have thrown fills me with the guilt of a thousand Jewish mothers. As you know, dear reader, I’m a self-conscious, guilt-ridden kinda of gal, so this time of year isn’t very good on my poor nerves. Therefore, I’m gonna let you know exactly what I will not be atoning for this year. Yeah, I am sorry for running over that man with my bicycle last week (he was unharmed, by the way), but there is no way in hell I’m apologizing for binge-watching all of “The Fosters” on Netflix (Noah Centineo stole my heart as replacement Jesus long before he was Peter Kavinsky, thank you very much).
So here is a list of things I will not atone for on this holy day of atonement:
I will not atone for my three identical pairs of white sneakers. They may look the same, but I am telling you they have different places in my heart and closet.
I will not atone for trying to convince my ophthalmologist I needed glasses because I wanted to look smart even though my vision is perfect.
I will also not atone for buying glasses anyway even though I do not need them. But I do think people take me more seriously when I wear them. Even though they hurt a bit, I still wear them, and for that I will also not apologize.
I will not atone for my face sweat, back sweat or boob sweat. I have over-active glands and they perspire, get used to it. Most activities, including standing, make me sweat, so telling me I look sweaty is unhelpful and rude. But I will not apologize for my body, in fact, I am thankful for it and all the wonderful things it does, like sweat.
I will not atone for ubering to Zingerman’s. It is a far walk and you know how important it is to get there before the Sunday crowds roll in.
I will not atone for drinking two to three to four cups of coffee a day. My caffeine addiction is my problem, and I don’t think it’s a problem.
I will not atone for my Mrs. Maisel impression because it is gold.
I will not atone for my Russian stacking doll collection. Period.
I will not atone for taking that handful of Splenda packets from Starbucks. But I actually do feel pretty bad about that one, so maybe scratch that.
I will not atone for making a playlist titled “True Happiness” that is just Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Cut to the Feeling” 26 times.
I will not atone for taking back the t-shirt I gave to my brother as a birthday present. Because he left it at home and that is simply his fault.
I will not atone for not putting my phone on airplane mode when I’m on an airplane.
I will not atone for unironically liking blue grass music. It has a twang and a soulful beat that fills me with joy.
I will not atone for taking selfies when I feel good about myself. Because, hell, if you feel hot, own it.
I will not atone for asking that guy out first. #feminism
I will not atone for writing this article. #journalism
I will not atone for my unconscious brain. #surrealism
I will not atone for using hashtags. #hashtag
I will not atone for asking which 12:00 is a.m. and which 12:00 is p.m. because it gets really confusing.
I will not atone for re-watching “A Cinderella Story” with Chad Michael Murray and Hilary Duff up to five times a year, because the soundtrack is killer and it literally never gets old.
I will not atone for wearing hats and claiming it’s for the outfit when I actually just didn’t wash my hair.
I will not atone for biting my nails, though I should probably stop doing it because it’s a bad habit.
I will not atone for my crush on Jeff Goldblum.
I will not atone for my crush on Adam Driver.
I will not atone for my crush on Pete Davidson.
I will not atone for my crush on Johnny Bravo (yes I still think about him).
I will not atone for my perpetual watch tan.
I will not atone for my love of Christmas. Just because I’m Jewish doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a good carol and a glass of eggnog.
I will not atone for watching drag queen makeup tutorials on Facebook.
I will not atone for wearing pajamas to class, because who doesn’t.
There you have it folks, a year’s worth of guilty pleasures, sinful indulgences and hedonistic tendencies that I refuse to apologize for. In the wise words of Demi Lovato, “I’m sorry (I’m not sorry).”