An animated Pinocchio wearing a blue shirt and brown pants flies above a forested path.
This image is from the official trailer for “Pinocchio”, distributed by Lionsgate

The writers of The Michigan Daily do it all. On top of being college students with full course loads, they roll up their sleeves to consume media and write. For the entertainment of our loyal readership, The Daily has revitalized and revamped “Baked, Buzzed, Bored.” For the sake of journalism, three or more writers sacrifice their health and 3+ hours of their life to watch a TV show or film while either high (“baked”), drunk (“buzzed”) or sober (“bored”). This article was lightly edited to maintain the authenticity of the piece.


Who are these jokes for

Napoleon Dynamite voices the horse. he’s also a Mormon?

I can’t explain it but this animation is very Russian 

Where did she get a Macaw

Wooden boy performs Shen Yun acrobatics 

Gepetto is Prince Phillip-old and he made himself a son. That’s so irresponsible. What’s Pinocchio gonna do when he dies? That’s so tragic. 

I wanna make a boy and call it my son 

I’ve got the whole worldussy

Pinocchio is a powerbottom 

I love that their budget was so low that they could only afford three American voice actors for the U.S. version. The Russian accents on Italian characters really make it great. 

I want anthropomorphic cronies. 

Mormons have a sense of humor. 

Talking about the questionable ethics of circuses. Not questionable, really terrible and bad in every way 

“Eurovision” x “The Greatest Showman” 

Does Pinocchio have a penis?

(conversation ensues about the logistics of his “wood”)

If I’m carving a wooden boy, I’m giving him some wood

They haven’t incorporated the nose mechanic once?

Not a single shadow in this whole movie 

Great date idea: sperm bank 

Third ass-shot. 

Is it illegal to be wooden?

This movie sucks so fucking much 

Looks like a Nick Jr. $10 budget made by overworked animators 


This is already the Queerest shit I’ve ever seen and Pinocchio hasn’t even been alived yet

Is this camp?

“This is giving like Jean-Luc Godard you know” – Baked

Is Pinocchio some kinda perverted Pygmalion

Wondering how much these people got paid for these performances. my guess is $2 split among them

Bored hates horses confirmed

It’s “Fantastic Mr. Fox”!!!

Was Pauly Shore drunk when he recorded his parts

If he isn’t gay this performance is homophobic

This is a really interesting case study into how Russian people view Italians

Do u think Pinocchio would be a popular TikTok twink

“The Greatest Showman” vibes

This is Bella’s “Greatest Showman” moment

Okay the melody of this song isn’t terrible

So many different kids of gay men in this movie

Much confusion about when and why Pinocchio gained personhood. I have no answers

I really wish we could embed voice memos into these. it would just be me saying “signora” in Pinocchio’s twink voice the whole time

Update: this isn’t camp I’m sorry to camp I never should’ve said that

“They need to jerk off this horse at least once during this movie” – Baked

In true BBB fashion we have completely digressed and stopped watching the movie. current discussion topics include cats the movie and the room.

“This is like ‘Twilight’” – Spectator 1

Pinocchio and Tybalt are SINGING I HATE THIS

This is like in “The Batman” when the arena floods

This was shit


The film begins with a horse with remarkably human eyes. Maybe I should admit now that I’ve never read or seen or heard the true origin story of Pinocchio. I’ve been pretending for 21 years to know his story, as if I’ve walked in his shoes, as if I’ve too been in a circus.

Does anyone ask why an old man carves a life-size version of a boy? The old man is now bashing all Giuseppe’s that have ever walked this earth. Wait, is Pinocchio Italian? 

Zoned out and I don’t know how Pinocchio became human. (I know now that he has nothing to do with a circus.) 

The animation is half-baked. Like the draft before they added cheekbones and dimension. 

I don’t trust the horse. 

Wait. There is a circus. And talking animals, like the horse. But the talking horse still fulfills traditional horse duties (along with the other horses we have seen). These circus animals, though, are like men. I should reread “Animal Farm.”

The circus animals recognize Pinocchio as a wooden boy, so my question is: what is the point of the movie? I thought his whole shtick was that he’s a “real boy.” Maybe this is a new take on Pinocchio? There have been zero nose-related comments. 

Overhead: “Mormons would love ‘Napoleon Dynamite.’”

OMG butt shot. 

I stand by what I said about the animation, but the mustaches are something else. Why do they look like that

Pinocchio just called the horse his parent. 

I don’t know how to explain it but it’s like the film is stuck at one level. It’s been like 40 minutes and things have happened but also nothing has happened. Am I just being a hater. 

Buzzed and Baked are debating the existence and functionality of Pinocchio’s pe*is. I’m never being the sober one again. 

The circus cat is terrifying and not only because of his obsession with guns (has been delegated the “NRA cat.”) 

The more screen time this untrustworthy horse has the more I appreciate Maximus from “Tangled.” 

So “Pinocchio” is set in Italy but it seems like the screenwriters forgot so they went back and re-edited the film to have characters say out-of-place Italian phrases at bizarre times (re: “Santa Maria Madonna!”). 

Overheard (part two): “Have you ever been to a sperm bank? You should go.”


Pinocchio is telling the horse to get himself together and act like a father. 

Horse is now gaslighting a fairy to turn Pinocchio human. 

OK I checked out but now I’m back in. Bella, the girl from the circus Pinocchio likes, is trying to overthrow the evil circus man. 

The best part of this movie is Buzzed’s cat. 

Update: Circus girl Bella is a fake!!! Betrayal!!!!

Post Bella Update Update: She’s trying to do the right thing. Working with horse father figure. 

If Russian children think this is good, they’re going to go crazy when they discover “Finding Nemo.”

A weird plot twist is happening right now. They ran out of things to do