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The writers of The Michigan Daily do it all. On top of being college students with full course loads, they roll up their sleeves to consume media and write. For the entertainment of our loyal readership, The Daily has revitalized and revamped “Baked, Buzzed, Bored.” For the sake of journalism, three or more writers sacrifice their health and 3+ hours of their life to watch a TV show or film while either high (“baked”), drunk (“buzzed”) or sober (“bored”). This article was lightly edited to maintain the authenticity of the piece.

BUZZED 1: 

Shakespeare!! Aw look at Robert Pattinson’s lil J.Crew outfit. Hello, biggest dilf in cinema history. Edward Cullen drives a Volvo. Damn

*Edward Moana softly.

Alice could get it. Jasper could get it. Is it weird that he was a confederate soldier? 

Woah! Look at that one pony perspective! Wait. It’s a real shot. 

Jasper got really thirsty, that wasn’t very states rights of him. 

“Do you not understand my feelings for you?” Edward says, as he refuses to explain his feelings for her. 

Roslyn by Bon Iver playing over this awful, awful movie is the greatest cultural crime since mussolini took off his shirt and started harvesting wheat and tried to make everyone think it was sexy. 

Is Bella really sleeping on the forest floor? In jeans? Does she know that cotton traps water, Which leads to hypothermia 

Bella writing letters to Alice and Alice alone? That’s so korrasami of her. 

Where the hell have you been loca!! But no, really, where’ve you been? 

That cliff diving was dangerous. 

Love spelled backwards is… evol?? Says a lot about this series. 

She’s so evil, she’s love spelled backwards. When bella leans into Jacobs shoulder. 

Imagine throwing up in the AMC, and then this super buff dude says “you’re sick, but I’ll put you in the hospital.”

Did you know that a can of rose and a tall boy twea is more than enough to get you drunk? I did not. Bella I’d being 

Male manipulating. It’s a wolf thing. 

But the landscapes, ugh. I just want to buy a Subaru and drive to Washington. 

Victoria could get it. Charlie could get it. This soundtrack is criminal. It’s so fucking good. 

You heard him folks: it’s gonna get very ugly. 

Jacobs face looks like a third grader tried to make a face out of clay, from memory. 

Vulture bro was ACTING I’m into it. [Spreaking Italian] 

Is she wearing ballet flats in the flash forward? That’s just like shrek 2!

Taylor Laurent’s nipples are so small. 

BUZZED 2: 

I haven’t seen this movie in years and I’m so intrigued. 

SHAKESPEARE

I thought the grandma was Edward so I said “hot” and then everyone laughed at me

The slow mo. The electric guitar.

Disgusting 

Omg I forgot about Jasper. He’s hot too. 

It’s Vecna!

M said “so she’s the only one that’s not a vampire? So it’s like West Side Story?”

I feel so bad for all of the actors in this movie. 

“Carlisle” sounds like a city in Ohio

Roslyn is playing everybody shut up

She’s really lying on the forest floor and falling asleep. In JEANS. 

[grass rustling]

The most iconic scene ever

She looks so sunken

He has no reflection, but he’s a reflection of her

I’m gonna start counting how many times I say the word “disgusting”

WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN LOCA

Did you know Haunted by Taylor Swift was written about this movie

I literally haven’t been paying attention for the last ten minutes

Gambling, Gods and LSD

Disgusting Count: 3

If Bella and Jacob don’t kiss in the rain right now I’m gonna be so upset. This is prime time. 

Laurent kinda looks like Jack Sparrow

Gaslight Gatekeep Old Guy

This is like a scene straight out of High School Musical

Halsey is that you??

“It’s a wolf thing” sounds like something I would’ve said when I was 13 and quirky

I’m not even Team Jacob why am I so invested

“I’ve never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy” -me to the people who made this movie

Oh my god this LITERALLY IS WEST SIDE STORY

Edward looks sickly

DID HE JUST SAY HEAVEN

All these red robes…has anybody made a “Hand maid’s Tale” joke yet?

HE DID THE HEAD TILT THING

“And then I woke up”

How many pairs of jorts does Jacob even own

The sweater and suit jacket combo is working wonders for Edward

BAKED 1:

she’s so fucking dramatic about her eighteenth bday 

acab including charlie. dilf tho

edward cullen would drive a volvo

[edward moans softly]

you give me everything just by breathing. 

“confederate soldier” is not cute villain backstory

edward is so mentally i’ll in this movie 

why do they not just go to college. instead of high school 

i’m having too much fun to write anything!

bored 2 keeps asking me about the plot. it’s not that hard. actually maybe it is

emmett

you smell toooooo yummy

“if you want me to break my véganism, give me candied blood” -bored 2

she never even gets her pants off

buzzed 1 is singing roslyn 

is buzzed 1 gonna cry?

she causes a fuss for no reason

buzzed 1 remembers the exact temperature of the werewolves

i forgot how bad the ghost edward is

he looks like round jim hopper

why didn’t she try drugs first? 

BELLA WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN LOCA

can

the cheese wouldve slid off

bored 1 just fixed my bookshelf cuz my books were crooked

jumping off a cliff would be more fun as a giant wolf

love spelled backwards is love and face punch: the two genders

lie. lie better. threaten him. threaten him. 

fingerless leather gloves

[paul growling softly]

muffin?

werewolf as queer allegory. it’s not who you are it’s what you do

edward apparition includes his volvo

shirts back in this era were so complicated

mint green kitchen❤️

there’s a lot of breathing

this is what peak male performance looks like

he thought he wasn’t going to hell????

the romeo and juliet thing is so dumb 

doing blackout poetry with the twilight screenplay

i want his robe

beller

edward looks like shit

it’s soooo romantic that he wants to eat her

bella is pro democracy

why did they choose to make him a minor

buzzed 1 is keeping their duolingo streak right now

BAKED 2: 

like why do they never have sex this is wack 

roslyn LOL

why is edward always wearing a three piece suit like he’s making his first communion 

“if this about my soul” LOL

this bitch fell asleep on the ground WHAT

why is she screaming omg and now she’s emailing 

bitches be shopping 

i want beer and bikes! 

taylor lautner has a beautiful wig

chortles 

quil and embry 

i forgot there’s a MOTORCYCLE CRASH HAHA

anna kendrick is spiteful rn go off 

oh my god the soundtrack is incredible thom york

BORED 1:

Disclaimers: Should Stephanie Meyer write any more books? No. Does the “Twilight” series face legitimate problematic concerns? Yes. 

That said, “New Moon” is the best movie of the series; the “Prisoner of Azkaban” of the “Twilight” movies, if you will (I’m sorry for bringing up H*rry P*tter). Kristen Stewart (“Spencer”) bodies the role of Bella Swan — she’s not a bad actor, everyone, Bella is just … like that. 

Jacob was also intentionally written as annoying; however, my aforementioned Kristen Stewart excuses cannot be applied to Taylor Lautner (“Tracers”). He should have stopped after his stint as Sharkboy and quit while he was ahead. 

It’s kind of epic foreshadowing for Edward to detail his exact suicide plan in the beginning of this movie. I wonder if Bored #2 (“Twilight” virgin) will remember that later on. 

An important inconsistency of the films is the hair changes. If, upon becoming a vampire as Meyer proclaims, you are frozen in your current physical self, Alice’s spiky bob shouldn’t have grown into a spiky lob. Shout out to Edward’s side burns, though. 

The actual best — and only noteworthy — part of this movie is the soundtrack. “Roslyn” by Bon Iver is single-handedly responsible for all the emotion and the aesthetics of the film.

It’s quite the conundrum that Edward is breaking up with Bella in the middle of the forest, claiming he’s looking out for her safety and well-being, when he knows more than anyone that there are supernatural beings and creatures around. And just the general being a woman thing. Why would he leave her alone in the wilderness like that. 

Off-topic: Charlie Swan is definitely Canadian, right? 

Ah, the infamous chair scene. I’m sorry to everyone involved in cinema — nothing you do will ever live up to  this. 

Anna Kendrick (I’m sorry I’m getting too tired to look up credits) and Stewart have the same eyebrows in this movie. 

Watching this with people who haven’t seen “Twilight” before makes it seem … so much more bizarre. Every explanation Baked 1 is attempting to offer seems illogical … even though they’re just providing the actual context. None of this makes sense (for reference, we’re at the creepy motorcycle scene). 

Even though I am pro Jacob-slander, it is messed up that Bella (partly) hangs out with him because she knows he likes her even though she herself does not like him (romantically, anyway). Even if your vampire boyfriend breaks your heart and leaves you stranded in the forest, there’s no excuse to take advantage of someone because they have feelings for you. I … will calm down now. 

Baked 1 has now started saying the lines right before the actors do. They’ve memorized the script. They’re doing great. 

So, question for the audience: Is Edward involved in these hallucinations of Bella? Are they just the product of her mind? Or did he program something or cross wires somewhere so that she’d see him in these near-death scenarios? 

Update: Baked 1 has informed me that it’s all in Bella’s head. 

It’s so hypocritical and immature of Bella to freak out so much about werewolves, as if she hasn’t actively been trying to get inside a vampire’s pants for the past year. 

I started doing homework and checked out of the movie for a bit, but I still stand by my earlier statement. “New Moon” is the best “Twilight” movie, despite its many inconsistencies and illogical, silly plotlines. I’m glad I had the chance to witness three people watch this movie for the first time, and for the chance to witness Baked 1 watch it for the hundredth time. 

BORED 2: 

her voice really took me aback

the trees are SO green. It does not benefit anyone’s complexion.

not sure if i’m not understanding what’s happening because i’ve never seen the first movie or because this doesn’t make sense.

robert i have never seen a more self-conscious walk

why is everyone SO pale

subtitles: “exhales”

subtitles: “inhales”

bella’s every expression makes me think she is probably ill

like that was not a look of love, you are disgusted and giving up

yikes that was a loud drop of blood crescendoing into the carpet

carlisle really bit edward and said “i’m your dad now.”

if someone said “do you understand my feelings for you?” in that tone i would instantly conclude that they hated me

i swear they have no emotions. the same expression always.

edward cullen’s favorite song is what makes you beautiful by one direction, hating yourself is so cute wow yes FIX bella you love her SO MUCH for her insecurities

THEY HAVE NOT SMILED ONCE

they kind of look nauseous

at all times

my one pretentious film comment is that no fill light was used here, this was a one lamp production in the woods

why is there a man holding her now WAIT?? where is his shirt?? if you’re about to pick up a random girl in the woods, first stop and put on a shirt.

it will so hard to tell when she becomes a vampire she already looks so dead inside

why shop when you could try to kill yourself?

bella’s dad ages ten years when he goes outside

his hair is so much darker inside, then he goes in the sun and grays

why does bella look so turned on by being told how people want to kill her