If you’re anything like me, when you get the feels, you get all the feels. One night, feels and all, you find yourself spoon-deep in a Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia pint, running dangerously low on fuel. With a Calc 3 exam tomorrow and no episodes of “Shameless” left to watch, these are murky waters. You rush to the fridge in search of one more thing to take the pain away, but you’re met with nothing. Just a fridge as empty as a your wallet, your hopes and, now, your dreams. But, don’t let the panic sink in just yet — Trader Joe’s has everything you need to stave off all the feels this fall.

There’s something inexplicably satisfying about walking into Trader Joe’s and being blanketed by the warmly tinted lights and aisle after aisle of pleasantly packaged products. And with fall just over the horizon you can count on pumpkin flavored everything to be filling up the shelves.

But sifting through all that Trader Joe’s glory can be difficult, so here’s a little guide to take the edge off:

If your S.O. has run off (no horse, no other lover — they’re just running in the opposite direction, leaving you in the dust with a black hole in your chest) you should eat: Brownie Crisp coffee ice cream sandwiches

Don’t even stop to think about texting them back, they’re long gone now. It’s just you and a box of the most pleasure-filled desserts in existence. Biting into these, you won’t even have time to ponder what your long-gone-lover is up to. Fudgy brownie crisp outside and espresso ground ice cream: a dreamy flavored medley you need. It’s the most Penelope Cruz (“Vicky Cristina Barcelona”) ice cream sandwich on the market — filled with spite, allure and straight-up seduction. I now pronounce you two a match made in heaven. If there’s anything you need to melt the break up feels away, this is it.

If you’re listening to Mitski’s latest album, Be the Cowboy, while sitting in a puddle of bittersweet, sappy tears you should drink:

You should just drink. It doesn’t even matter what. Just drink.

Just kidding — if you want something to truly feel good, Trader Joe’s has a cinnamony, fall-fantastic Spiced Cider you can chug, or mix in with some rum for an extra punch in the face of feeling. Serve it hot or cold, just like your marble bag of emotions.

But if Spiced Cider isn’t enough to endure the heartfelt chords Mitski strikes in the build up to “Nobody,” then try La Ferme Julien Rosé. Imported from France, because who doesn’t love sipping on a nice glass of French wine pretending that you’re walking down les rues de Paris while Mitski softly serenades you through earbuds. Maybe with an “Old Friend,” or just on your own, thinking about a “Lonesome Love,” TJ’s has the specialty drinks that will make your “Washing Machine Heart” sing from delight. At least until your glass runs empty.

If the weight of your past drunken texts, failed exams and arguments with your mom are flashing before your eyes, you should eat: Pumpkin Joe-Joe’s

Yep. Only Trader Joe’s comes up with a food name that isn’t clever at all but somehow sounds quirky and cute because it has the name “Joe” in it two times. Pumpkin Joe-Joe’s take your average trendy pumpkin spice oreos one step further into Bougie City, with pumpkin flavored cookies and pumpkin flavored cream. There’s really no other reason to eat Pumpkin Joe-Joe’s if you’re having afflictive mental flashbacks besides the fact that they taste great and are fall flavored.

If you’re laying in a field of grass, the stars in the night sky and all their grandeur are unraveling profound depths of existential thought within you, you should eat: Harvest Spice Trek Mix

Studies show nuts are filled with Omega-3 and Vitamin E, making them the perfect brain power snack. Grab a copy of Nietzsche’s or Kant’s most renowned works, discover what dark matter consists of, become the last airbender. We need to keep this thought train chugging down its track.  

If you just feel hungry, you should eat: T&J’s Hatch Chile Mac & Cheese

Mac & cheese. Enough said.

If you’re allergic to nuts: No saving the earth kingdom for you, I guess.

Now you’re equipped with a grab ‘n go list for all the feel good foods from Trader Joe’s you’ll be needing this fall. So put on your favorite compulsively oversized sweater and get on in there. It’s about damn time you feel good.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *