Hello and welcome to my column!
Thanks for turning to this page, clicking on this link or picking this particular piece of paper off the gum that has been stuck to the bottom of your shoe since day one of Welcome Week. But enough about you, this column is about me. I wanted to write a humor column because comedy has always been a form of catharsis for me, a way to let go of things and just laugh. Ever since I was a chubby kid in the chorus of every JCC community theater play from 2005 to 2010, I turned to making others laugh in order to make myself feel better. I was overweight and not even talented enough to play one of Tevye’s irrelevant daughters (their names are Bielke and Shpritzke, and I am proud that I didn’t even need to look that up). So, cracking up the cast backstage was the only way to get the attention I craved and most certainly deserved. My hope for you, dear reader, is that you find some catharsis with this column as well. Perhaps, between stressing about class and stressing about love and stressing about stress, you can read my carefully crafted prose and giggle, smile or grimace, and let go of something keeping you down.
This column is an experiment: An amalgamation of my own perverse mind farts and unwelcome suggestions from my mother that combine to craft a piece of journalism so hysterical that President Schlissel himself will add it to his stack of required morning reading. I may have high hopes for this column, but don’t be discouraged by my cockiness, dear reader, I am, in fact, terrified that no one, not even Schlissel, will laugh at my column. However, I promise you, no matter how un-funny this column ends up becoming, I swear I will keep writing it until, of course, I decide to stop writing it or my editor commands me to do so. Consider this a contract of sorts, a way to hold both you and me responsible. I, as writer of this column, vow to provide you with funny content that may be deeply and uncomfortably personal while occasionally offering my expert and valid opinions on the state of comedy today. While, you, dear reader, must do your due diligence in not hurting my feelings because I am honestly, like, really sensitive, so if you have a negative review of this column please try your best to sandwich the insult with praise so the mean stuff doesn’t hurt so bad. I respond really well to positive reinforcement, so keep the compliments flowing and criticism minimal because my self-esteem is, like, really, really low and I just don’t know if I can handle a hit like that right now. I mean, there is this guy… and I just read a really sad article about dead puppies… and the economy… so I feel like I really can’t handle any negativity right now. You know how the spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down? I want you to flatter me before you tear me to shreds. That pretty much covers your end of the deal. In summation, I will try to make you laugh and you should really try to not be a dick. I mean, I am really putting myself out there with this thing. So a little respect would be nice.
As a woman (since the age of 11, thanks Aunt Flo) I have heard time and time again that I have to censor myself. I should be less loud so as not to threaten potential mates. I should be less silly as to seem more attractive to potential mates. I should be less myself as to more easily attain and hold onto potential mates. Comedy has given me the outlet and confidence to hold nothing back and to put it all out there, potential mates be damned. Comedy is about making others laugh at you before they laugh about you. Comedy should be cathartic. It should be a release — a breath of fresh, hilarious air that reminds you that there are more reasons to laugh than cry. That chubby girl in the chorus still lives in a really messy attic with “Twilight”posters on the walls and a collection of feather boas. She is somewhere deep in my subconscious, but she is still there. She is desperate and eager to make you laugh to make herself feel better. So humor me, dear reader, and stick with me on this wild experiment, you might get a laugh out of it.