Bonnaroo scavenger hunt checklist (completed)

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By Melanie Kruvelis, Daily Opinion Writer
Published June 20, 2013

It’s here. Well, almost, anyways. We’ve made it through live-streamed lineup announcements, bargained for tickets with Farkas on Craigslist and faked the deaths of grandparents to get time off our unpaid internships.

And now, we’re just 12.5 hours away from the filthy freakshow that is Bonnaroo 2013.

We can’t wait.

Of course, we’re excited for all the music and all the Bob Saget. But this year, we’re raising the stakes.

Which is why we stole this idea from the kind folks at Grantland: an all-out scavenger hunt. A Bonna-hunt. A Scavenge-aroo (copyright pending).

Check out our list here. And follow our coverage to see how many tornadoes we drive into, our drunk mom boob count and old men bawling for Paul McCartney.

See you on the farm.

SIGHTS
Carnival ride that looks like a death trap (1)
Minors in furry boots and bikini tops (1)
Angry locals (1)
Artisanal light bulbs (1)
Beer cans being sold for less than $8 (1)
Sunburned gingers (1)
#gingerism (3)
Unattended children (1)
Giant-headed statue things (1)
A shirt asking for drugs (1)
Guys stacking two Bud Lights on top of each other in each hand (1)
Poorly done henna tattoos (1)
Someone yelling the name of a drug at you (1)
People giving beer for boobs (1)
Someone getting foot fungus (1)
Native American print with a dreamweaver accessory (1)
Boobs (1)
Drunk moms (1)
Drunk mom boobs (2)
Someone puking (2)
Cute girls selling “brownies” (2)
Flame throwers/poi (2)
Someone twerking (2)
Jesus tent (2)
Jesus (∞)
Elvis (∞ + 1)

PEOPLE
Someone dancing to no music (2)
Old people who only came to see Paul Mccartney (2)
Someone attending festival with their mom (3)
Naked hula hoopers (3)
Anyone who still looks clean on Sunday (3)
Someone with a new piercing they got that weekend (3)
Someone wearing nipple tassels (3)
Firefighter (4)
Professor (5)
Identical twins (6)
A Larry David lookalike (7)
Someone getting it on in public (10)

SOUNDS
Drum circle (1)
“OMG they're like my favorite band EVER” (2)
Someone pointing out they liked an artist/band before they were popular (2)
Hare Krishnas (3)
“I have their album on vinyl” (3)
Rains of Castamere (5)
R. Kelly pee jokes (5)
“spraaaaaaaaaaaaang breeeeeeaaaaaaaaaak” (7)
Nookie in a portapotty (10)

TASKS
Photobomb a selfie (2)
Get a crystal rubbed on your face (2)
Look into a hippie’s eyes and discover the meaning of life (1)
Body shots off of a passed-out hippy (against their will) (2)
Get in a hammock that’s 10-feet-tall (4)
Learn how to Dougie and subsequently teach someone how to Dougie (5)
Dance with a drunk dad (5)
Convince someone you are in The Polyphonic Spree (5)
Shotgun a beer with an OLD hippie (7)
Dance with a glowing octopus (8)
Compete in the mustache competition (8)
Trade an article of clothing with someone (10)
Twerk (10)
Pee in public (10)
Push your way to the front of a crowd and then act like you have no idea who the band is. “So what kind of music is Beach House, is it like ‘indie’ or something?” (10)
Become best friends with someone (10)
Get as many people as possible to show up at a stage that doesn’t exist for a band that doesn’t exist (15)
Convince someone that Mitt Romney is president (15)
Sob uncontrollably for a half hour (25)

SETS
Bjork does weird shit (1)
Cat Power is drunk (1)
Grown men crying at Paul McCartney (3)
Female protesters at Daniel Tosh (4)
White people stomp-dancing and/or jigging at Mumford and Sons/The Lumineers/Of Monsters and Men (5)
Throw underwear to Weird Al (10)

Thursday, June 13

2:12 am EST
Jesus (∞)

Early this morning, Jesus Christ was found in a stack of Bible Fun trivia cards at the Church of the Good Shepherd United Methodist, North Baltimore, Ohio.

Two tornadoes brought us here.

Not in the Helen Hunt circa Twister sense — no cars, cows or Gap brand khakis were swept up by a funnel. I guess it was really more of a Mad About You scenario: we bickered and bitched about what to do next. Only for us, the argument wasn’t about bagels or toilet seats, but instead the worst storm any of us had ever driven through.

Eventually we all agreed that dying seemed like a pretty poor way to begin the weekend, so we pulled into a fire station, where we were reminded the churches had all the answers (and none of the windows).

Me in front of the church.

Amid the sound of sirens, patrons Annette and Bill offered us a spot in the basement and the omnipotent card deck. I quickly remembered my biblical knowledge starts and ends at Genesis and that my shirt probably said “SLUT.”

Ain’t no party like a leprosy party!

About an hour later we waved the Ohio State fans goodbye and were back on the road.

On to the next one.

11:15 am CST
Boobs (1)

We hadn’t even gotten the Cheez-Its out of the Yukon XL and I’d already seen a pair. In the immortal words of President Benjamin Franklin, “God bless exhibitionists.”

Friday, June 14

3:15 pm CST
A shirt asking for drugs (1)

Or maybe they were just looking for everybody’s favorite redhead, Molly Ringwald. I know I was.

“No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food!”

4:57 pm CST
R. Kelly pee jokes (5)

Have you been missing R. Kelly humor? Well urine luck!

5:32 pm CST
Someone dancing to no music (2)

The Silent Disco made this task almost as easy as me. If you’re not familiar with disco silencioso, the concept is simple: plop on headphones playing various DJ sets and awkwardly twerk in silence with other sweaty people.

I tried to take a video of it but accidentally ended up taking a lot of moving selfies when I neglected to flip my iPhone camera around (Look out Chicago Sun-Times, this technology stuff is harder than you think). Anyways, here’s a shot of me in the tent.

Saturday, June 15
1:15 pm CST
Photobomb a selfie (2)
The first of several. Double points for rolling on the ground to get up close to the dreamcatching, headdressing teenage girls.

And on second glance, I believe the accessories earned another point for Hufflepuff.

1:17pm CST
Pee in Public (10)

I have mastered the feminist art of urinating on my own calf. Smashing the patriarchy one poorly aimed tinkle at a time.

As such, I will split these points between me, Susan B. and all of the lady squatters out there.

4:20pm CST
Become best friends with someone (10)

Nothing like a man in a suit.

Look, I know everyone meets a guy in Teletubby costume and thinks, “Hey, we’re probably going to be best friends.” But I swear what we had was as real and delicious as Burger King’s special edition Tubby Custard. I put on his sweaty Lala helmet (not a euphemism) and in return, he handed me the following bracelet:

My BFF Jill?

And in that moment, I swear we were IDK.

Sunday, June 16

1:00 am CST
Throw underwear to Weird Al (10)

I was not the only formerly misunderstood preteen who looked like they were about to throw their panties at Weird Al. Though about half the audience was just there waiting for Pretty Lights to start or the ecstasy to wear off, the other attendees were die-hard Yankovicians. I couldn’t tell what was stronger — the crowd’s undeniable allegiance to the Weird One, or their general smell of bologna — but boy, I’ve never seen such accordion fever.

Weird Al’s encore of “Yoda” was worth the price of admission alone. I wiggled my way past the crying middle-aged men and did what any sane person would do when being serenaded in Yodish: Threw my Meijer brand underwear on the stage.

And though no one believes me, I swear he looked down on me with this look on his eyes that said: Yeah, I’ve seen this before.

Touché, Weird Al. Touché.