The best of it is remembering. Quiet daydreams of times when a hug wasn’t something to be afraid of.

The worst of it is remembering. Waking up to the new world I’m forcibly growing accustomed to. 

The best of it is the ritual cup of coffee I make every morning. I never used to have time for that. 

The worst of it is the ritual cup of coffee I make every morning. A symbol of an idle life I’ve been trained to resent. 

The best of it is not resenting. Being okay with a person whose purpose isn’t production.

The worst of it is not resenting … myself for fitting into the labels of laziness I’ve been told to be afraid of.

The best of it is the news. Graphics and fancy animations. Keeping me informed. Keeping me safe.

The worst of it is the news. Hardly any of it is good. 

The best of it is my mother. She calls me crying. Usually, it’s the other way around. I like to be the one consoling her, for a change. 

The worst of it is my mother. I act like I know more than she does. I give her advice. I say it’ll be over soon. I can tell she doesn’t believe me. I wish she would. 

The best of it are the video calls. We laugh together. We try not to talk about it. It’s nice. 

The worst of it are the video calls. Relying on a screen to provide a sense of connection in the loneliness of my room.

The best of it is not spending or making money to fill the bank of our egos. Egos that capitalize off of adoration and fancy cars and expensive connections with CEOs and politicians. 

The best of it is connecting with one another instead. You read it in your seventh grade science books: Humans are social creatures. There are new methods of connection almost as valid as a hand to hold or a body to envelop in your arms. But when it’s over, (and I choose the word “when” instead of the word “if” to garner some sense of control) — when it’s over, I’m going to hug my friends. I’m going to go swimming on the docks of Ann Arbor and I’m going to be drinking an Angry Orchard and wearing a cute swimsuit and kissing boys and girls and everyone in between and be so incredibly grateful to be alive. Grateful to be surrounded by life that comes in the form of leaning on the ones we love, and allowing them to lean on us. Both metaphorically and physically, this time. 

The best of it is the hope I have for a new world. We give so much of ourselves to the ones we love, and it always seems as though they give twice as much in return. The best of it is ahead of us, where the worst of it is long gone.

 

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