Baked:
Don’t remember this intro. Looks like some Agent Cody Banks and Cadet Kelly shit. Oh wait never mind it’s just Lizzie McGuire’s mean af little bro. “The tide is high” just came on and I highkey wanna dance and sing but I’m too high and don’t know all the lyrics TBH. The cartoon version of Lizzie has small boobs #why. I only saw this movie once in theaters in 2003 so this is hella nostalgic. Wait Lizzie has an iBook??? Damn the movie really is from 2003. Also why is her brother spying on her, like that’s some demented Hitchcockian voyeurism shit. Live action and animation mixed make me uncomfy. Gordo, what a homie #thatjewfrotho. LIZZIE’s TEACHER JUST MADE A REFERENCE TO EBOLA WHAAT. Lmao Lizzie looks like she’s 40 but she’s graduating from eighth grade AND she’s going to Rome?? Lizzie’s graduation speech is cringeworthy af. Fun fact: the woman who plays Ms Ungermeyer voiced Lois from Family Guy. She’s such a savage in this movie. Buzzed thought Lizzie’s dad was hot lol. The plane scene is cute, I’m surprised Gordo and Lizzie never smashed. The mean girl Kate is too mean, she’s such a one dimensional character what the hell. Ethan Kraft could get it with those frosted tips, no joke. Where’s Miranda when you need her to dissolve the sexual tension between Lizzie and Gordo? We ordered food and THE FETA BREAD AND MILKSHAKES HAVE ARRIVED BRB.
Ok I’m back and “Lizzie McGuire” is hella brilliant. Lol I just remembered when Lizzie first sees Paolo and he says in a shaky Italian accent “Isabella??” Europeans are so funny. The dialogue is corny as heck. But the cinematography’s not terrible. Wait isn’t Paolo like 20?! Kinda pedophilic if you ask me. Is his bodyguard always there? Bored said everyone’s sunglasses looked horrible before 2009. Exposition scenes are the worst. Paolo is such a shallow motherfucker, he is the original fuccboi. I’m laughing at everything SOMEBODY HELP ME. Never mind, Lizzie just said Paolo is 17, I still see several red flags. Gordo is so hardcore friendzoned. The soundtrack is bomb, 8.5/10 would recommend. I think this movie exaggerates the effects of mainstream media too much. My friend just said Paolo looks like Fez from That ’70s Show and I TOTALLY AGREE. Wait Lizzie just did a cartwheel handstand, stop the FUCKING panini presses. Damn Ms Ungermeyer and the bodyguard are lowkey fuckin, I feel like she wears the [CENSORED] in this relationship. Paolo’s line delivery is so FLAT. His Broken English is making my insides explode. Oh they’re singing the slow version of This is What Dreams Are Made Of fuck me up. Love the last performance, like Lizzie singing with the brunette version of herself is amazing. The kiss between Gordo and Lizzie was weak as hell but it’s ok cuz they’re both awkward! What a journey it’s been you guys.
— Daily Arts Writer
Buzzed:
Damn I love this song … “The tide is high but I’m holding on.” Sing it cartoon Lizzie. High key though bless Hillary Duff for not becoming a trainwreck like some of the other Disney channel stars. I used to play the game boy version of Lizzie McGuire and it was fun as hell.
Why the fuck is Lizzie going to Rome for her 8th grade graduation I wasn’t even allowed to leave my neighborhood in 8th grade. Her dad is hot ?? maybe ?? I hate that Miranda is not in this movie. Bored is noticing stuff that I cannot pick up on but that’s OK she’s doing well. Gordo definitely smoked pot in junior high. Real question though: Where does Lizzie McGuire live?
Love u gordo but you needa haircut bro. Just kidding the dad is not hot. Bored thought they were going to Barcelona lol [Editor’s Note: That’s the Cheetah Girls].
I’m some Franzia and beers deep … Lizzie and Gordo need some too. Ethan craft is SOOO NOT CUTE wtf lizzie you can do better. Gordo is the only one that looks like a middle schooler. Points for Gordo. Baked thinks they should smash on the roof HAHAHA. Lizzie is holding a big ass cheese right now and I don’t think people understand how funny that is. Also Paolo is definitely 18 something years old and that is just pedophilia-ish right there. Also Paolo, to be honest, I totally would. Why can’t I go to some foreign country and look like an international pop star that’s so unfair. Drinking Pellegrino water, Gordo? That’s some bougie ass shit. Crap, we devoured that feta bread. Also, Lizzie is walking around the streets of Rome at 14 by herself, but I would high key be shitting my pants with my braces and American eagle shirt. THIS SOUNDTRACK IS BOMB WTF. Gordo is a good friend too, like why does no one go for the nice boys anymore ? Baked loves mentioning that Gordo is Jewish. Should I put alcohol in my Pizza House milkshake?
Palo is a poser and I feel like I am the cartoon version of Lizzie Mcguire. This movie kind of has no point but maybe I’m just being cynical? Lizzie has a hot outfit on and Baked says, “she looks hot for an eighth grader,” and when did this turn so sexual? lol she falls on the red carpet. This movie is way faster when you are drunk. Damn Lizzie is in such a pickle with Paolo rn. God dammit Paolo you suck cheers to Lizzie and Isabella #girlsruntheworld Just remember they are singing in the Colosseum HOW. LIZZIE IS SINGING WITH THE BRUNETTE VERSION OF HERSELF GOALS, MAN, GOALS. But, is this is what dreams are made of? The booty shake IS the best part of the entire film. THEY KISS I REPEAT LIZZIE AND GORDO kISs.
— Daily Arts Writer
Bored:
Rumor has it we’re ordering Pizza House. Baked and Buzzed have relegated me to be the Designated Orderer. Morale low. Lizzie’s brother definitely grows up to be the kid who snuck into girls’ bathrooms. THERE SHE IS. Looking good Lizzie. Why does cartoon Lizzie have boobs? Is that really necessary? Remind me to never get bangs. And she has an iBook? Slow down. Little brother is spying on her in the bathroom?! This is some Freudian sh*t.
WAIT … this is JUNIOR high? SHE IS DEFINITELY 20 IN THIS MOVIE. Mrs. McGuire looks like a young Meryl Streep. Gordo’s here! The original Chase Matthews. Gordo means fat in Spanish. This teacher at this “graduation” just referenced Ebola. Disney is always ahead of the curve. I remember being nervous for Lizzie the first time I watched her give her commencement speech. Now I’m in college and I’m laughing. Capital One ad in the airport?! I see you, propaganda. God, the little brother is still creepy. Two weeks in Rome?! With a high school principal whom the students have yet to meet? Sounds good. Buzzed thought the dad was hot at first, but now disagrees.
I SEE FROSTED TIPS! Ethan is here! Gordo’s hair looks like mine. Why is the popular girl wearing a khaki pantsuit? Secretary Clinton? Disney was ahead, I’m telling you. Alright, look at the hotel room. It is covered in marble.
Feta bread time! Buzzed doesn’t have a Venmo and I don’t have cash. This is fine. Lizzie is monologue-ing, oh boy. IN COMES PAOLO! Kisses?! Oh, right, this is Europe. They’re drinking Pellegrino now. Imperialism lives. This milkshake is thick like Paolo’s accent should be, but is not. OK, wait. Paolo is kind of hot. This isn’t fair, the pretty girls get everything. Curse you Hillary (Duff, not Clinton, who already has that in the bag).
Ah, Gordo saves the day yet again. His fro is full of secrets. Paolo is the original fuccboi. He definitely wears Supreme now. What is this made-up award show they’re speaking of? Oh god, I just ate ranch off the table thinking it was my milkshake. “You’re such a good friend.” Oof. Poor Gordo. MY FAVORITE SCENE IS HERE. THE FASHION SCENE. IT IS TIME FOR THE IGLOO DRESS. Baked just said, “I think this movie exaggerates.” This screenplay was definitely forged from a Mad Lib book. In Rome, everything is marble. Did you know?
Hold up. Lizzie’s family literally just got on a plane to visit her. She is only gone for two weeks. Joanne the Scammer would’ve swindled the heck out of this little girl. Also to be noted: no way did Hillary Duff receive any form of dialect lessons for her Italian alter ego, Isabella. But oh, my, is she steamy. It’s been revealed! Paolo is a diva! What a pickle he and Lizzie are in. One second, why doesn’t Gordo want to get with Isabella?
PERFORMANCE TIME. Paolo can’t sing! Ha ha! Girls rule, boys drool, in every country! The emblem of modern Italian culture has been dismantled. Lizzie is singing with the brunette version of herself and I am gyrating on a sofa. A bellybutton shirt makes a cameo. That post-’90s low-rise pudge is out and about. Lizzie’s parents made it to the show, thank goodness. Turns out Buzzed sang this song in the high school talent show. I am happy and you should be, too. Lizzie and Gordo are “sneaking away.” KISS! KISS! (I know they kiss.) She kissed him and he threw up the rock horns in response. Why has no boy ever thrown up the rock horns for me?
— Tess Garcia, Daily Arts Writer