Baked

What if the Pop blasted cigs??

What if the Pope blasted cigs?????

What if the Pope blasted cigs???????

What if the Pope blasted cigs????????????

dAmn he does lmao

— Daily Arts Writer

Buzzed

“You don’t just cast a guy with a small pee-pee as a pope”

And off we go to Neverland! So many dead babies dear lord. But lords are all the rage these days, didn’t you know? 

He drops his robe and my oh my Catholic education never gave me a jude law it gave me some homophobic priests, a puppet, and catholic guilt but NOT jude law.

Catholic guilt and insecure men, what did I tell you. All the ingredients you need to enter priesthood is right there.

Fourteen years and what does it get me? Several bible passages and a woman telling me that we “can talk to her” about our problems “because she was a college counselor and she understands.” It also gave me Pam Stenzel. Why did one girl in my graduating class get pregnant and two drop out? Pam Stenzel. Why did my sex education consist of the identification of defense mechanisms and the map of the female vagina? Catholicism.

Lenny’s a contradiction. He’s the pope, but he’s also Jude Law. I can’t tell you what this does to my psyche. Because in high school, yes, I wrote a sonnet about Jude Law. 14 lines, and a rhyming couplet at the end. Oh how rich, how sweet, how rich.

My teacher had me read it in front of the class as the “ideal example of a sonnet.” I told her it was about Jude. She made me return to my seat.

And now, I bestow it onto you my dear readers. Please, remark on it in peace and in pure adoration for the art of those who came before us —

There holds not much use in comparing thee

To the summer’s day, or rose buds of springs

For such drawings are made in falsity

You are more pristine than either beings

Those eyes shine bright, full of life and laughter

A voice melodious with an accent

Mirroring a song, but a bit faster

If only from thy lips a kiss be lent

Deceit can be seen in thy awful past

But there is mercy for a handsome face

My love for you is sure to always last

But your heart may not always keep the pace

From afar these feelings have collected

While any hope of requite has melted

Timemark: October 27th, 2013.

I also did an interpretation of Macbeth’s murder based on the Sopranos. There were nerf guns involved and i made them buy wifebeaters. Ask me about it sometimes. And then ask why I didn’t have any friends.

— Daily Arts Writer

Bored

I know I’m in on “The Young Pope” from its first shot: a baby’s bare ass, climbing across a mountain of more naked babies. And who emerges from the infantile rubble? None other than my main man, David Jude Heyworth Law. I love this show already.

I feel like I could write about “The Young Pope” for hours. The incredible, blistering, surreal, subversive, miraculous opening 15 minutes (Buzzed, who went to Catholic school: “This is NOT the Catholic Church”), the lush cinematography, Jude Law’s career-best performance, its winking self-awareness that renders any and all previous Twitter-based memes dated, if not outright irrelevant — but I can’t stop thinking about “Pope” ’s complete and utter command of tone. The supposedly wide chasm between pretentiousness and camp isn’t so much a yawning gap as it is a circle that bends back upon itself. Sorrentino pitches the show at that perfect intersection, and it’s a minor miracle that he pulls it off.

Which is why this whole viewing might be an exercise in futility. “The Young Pope” knows its premise is absurd, it’s aware of the inherent outrageousness; it’s essentially a living, breathing meme. You’re not laughing at this show because it’s bad, you’re laughing because the writers literally wrote a joke. It’s OK to laugh! It’s the anti-prestige drama, a splash of cold water in the face of HBO stiffness. As Buzzed looks through her laptop files to find a sonnet she once wrote to Jude Law in middle school, and Baked is unnervingly silent, a Cardinal on the screen is scrolling through his iPhone. It’s such a simple but outlandish image, cartoonish but effective. Jude Law, the Pope, asking for a Cherry Coke Zero — incredible.

There are so many other things I’d like to pontificate on, but Baked just yelled out, “WHAT IF THE POPE BLASTED CIGS THOUGH?” Shouts to Brandon Wardell.

— Nabeel Chollampat

 

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.