Baked

When the hell is the Pizzzza coming? For fuck’s sake. This movie sucks so bad. I can’t stop laughing. Y’all fuckin look like PS2. Look at this green screen. John Williams must be rolling in his grave. “He’s dead” says matt. I literally cant believe how much of a Blade Runner ripoff this goddamn movie in. But it’s not even as good. This just shows how great the force awakens really is. Literally nothing interesting has happened in this movie and it’s bad.

20 minutes into Netflix and chill and Padme says “please don’t look at me like that.” (ACTUAL LINE FROM THIS MOVIE ISN’T IT FUCKING ROMANTIC)

I would so much rather be watching the red letter media review than this. The pizza got here, and it was literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so full but I just want to eat more of it. Can we talk about how great food is?

“A kiss that you should never have given me…” this movie sucks so bad. I’m actually appalled, insulted even.

“Duel of the fates” started playing. This is the best part of the prequels. The only other things I liked in this movie so far were the obi-wan vs. djanfo unchained fight and the noise the seismic chargers made. Everything else sucks.

Watto is definitely a jewish gstereotype. HEEEEEEEEYYYY ANNNNIIIIIEEEEEEE YOU GIVE ME SHEKELSSSSS ( EDITORS LINK TO “IF I WERE A RICH MAN FROM THE GREAT FILM FIDDLETR ON THE ROOF)

There’s this sequence where Anakin raids the Tuscan raiders camp and it’s stolen completely from The Searchers (John Ford, who cares?) shot and all. George lucas is such a remix xulture.

“Stay with me mom” no I want to die rather than talk to you more you little shit

Meesa no like this movie. Meesa want to die.

Daily Arts Writer

Buzzed

Yoda’s CG brown eyes still can’t sparkle with the sexual lustre of Natalie Portman’s lip gloss. WAIT, Anakin has a RAT-TAIL? Buns have never been hotter. Why does no one talk about how sexy Obi-Wan is? God, I want to cut Jar Jar into sushi and eat him with sriracha. This plan is so convoluted. Gratuitously sexual assassin. Unnecessarily complex assassination plot. Say what you want about hayden Christensen, the speeder scene is still dope to the nines. Anakin’s enunciation is too goddamn good. Lightsaber used as pickaxe You’d think the Force would allow you to maneuver through a crowd withoutr looking like a sexually conflicted goofball. Deathsticks scene: don’t do drugs, kids. Even the moments of inspiration in this film are dopey. It’s trying to rip off bladerunner but it’s joggin’ and trippin’. CG cheeks jiggle weirdly. Are the women’s hair INTENTIONALLY stupid? Every time Padme’s hair comes onscreen I feel like it should be announced by the John Cena theme. “Please don’t look at me like that” — Padme, to Anakin. No Netflix, no chill. If that kiss weren’t in the script, it never would have happened. That come-hither look was gameless. Anakin Skywalker is a masterclass in how NOT TO act when you have absurd power as a young white cis jedi male. Chubby loser nerd padawan answers important question. Wipe transitions are the grape drank of cinema. Anakin is a White Knight Nice Guy. He just said Milady, for crying out loud! Don’t play that game Ani. You only want to tap that. I don’t like sand either Anakin. “My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the … sand.” Romance scene in field. Is this a rom-com? Because go fuck yourselves. You’re trying too hard. Seismic charge — the reapers noise in Mass Effect. Boba fett is Aussie? Okay, the emotional shenanigans with respect to Anican’s mom’s death — key!

wHERE ARE WE? WHAT’S GOING ON NOW? MY AMERICAN ATTENTION SPAN CAN’T TOLERATE THIS LACK OF ACTION.

– Noah Cohen

Bored

I actually haven’t seen this movie in a long time, now I’m reminded why. As we sit down to watch the film, tensions are already high as I watch the first few minutes of the movie through smoke — unfortunately it didn’t block the screen. Baked just started to fight me over something (I think over how shitty Yoda looks). He knocks over the chair I’m sitting in and I pin him to the ground. Needless to say I won and our fight choreography is better than most of this movie’s. 

I honestly forgot how boring this whole assassination plot was. “I mean, a plan that involves phallic death worms, an assassin lizard woman and a speeder chase can’t be that boring,” I think to myself as the cold, hard reality sets in. And all of a sudden we’re dividing our main cast (for how good of friends Anakin and Obi-Wan are supposed to be, they sure don’t spend a lot of screentime together). Also, why are we giving responsibility to Jar Jar Binks? That’s a worse move than electing Donald Trump — or maybe Jar Jar is more like Sarah Palin with their unintelligible dialect. Thankfully the pizza has come to give us relief, thank the midichlorians!

Now we get to watch the cringe-inducing awkwardness of Anakin and Padme’s “romance.” Buzzed is starting to drink whenever Anakin stares creepily at Padme, and I lament for his poor liver. We get the iconic, “I hate sand” double entendre (poor Hayden Christensen, Daniel Day Lewis couldn’t make that line work). Buzzed chugged his drink for the duration of that first kiss (note: that was hard liquor). Now Anakin’s talking about dreaming about her every night, and I think Natalie Portman (who is gorgeous in this movie) is genuinely uncomfortable. If anyone is in need of relationship remix, it’s Anakin Skywalker — no means no, buddy. Oh well, nothing a little testicle cow riding can’t fix.

As much as I rip on this movie, the sound design for the seismic charge is a work of goddamn genius. Unfortunately the rest of the dogfight between Obi-Wan and Jango Fett is ruined by Boba Fett providing commentary over the whole thing. Baked has decided to go to bed after Anakin’s nice little genocide — Padme seems way too OK with this.

Let’s just get this over with. This movie is bad. It’s an overly complicated mess of weird names and characters we never see, the dialogue is painful and hardly any of the special effects hold up (Yoda is particularly bad). It’s like the filmmakers took Phantom Menace as a template, asked “What did we do wrong?” kept those things and ruined anything that worked. Somehow, against all odds, they were able to make a battle featuring like 100 Jedi boring and the final duels with Count Dooku (R.I.P. Christopher Lee) are even worse. Just watch the two “Clone Wars” animated series that aired on Cartoon Network, somehow these cartoons are more mature and realistic than this green screen mess.

Matthew Barnauskas

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