The writers of The Michigan Daily do it all. On top of being college students with full course loads, they roll up their sleeves to consume media and write. For the entertainment of our loyal readership, The Michigan Daily has revitalized and revamped “Baked, Buzzed, Bored.” For the sake of journalism, three or more writers sacrifice their health and 3+ hours of their life to watch a TV show or film while either high (“baked”), drunk (“buzzed”) or sober (“bored”). This article was lightly edited to maintain the authenticity of the piece.
Episode 1
Baked 1: We watch until gay
Buzzed 2: Is this a musical? I really want it to be.
Bored 1: I think I’ve seen him in something
Buzzed 1: Hamilton?
Buzzed 1: That’s a terrible wig, why’d they do that to him
Buzzed 1: I feel like most jobs I’ve ever gotten I learned on the job
Bored 2: Are there no women in this show?
Buzzed 2: I feel like it’s the pirates of the Caribbean
Buzzed 1: TV beat let’s have a mutiny
Baked 1: What’s happening right now is if Jeff Bezos encouraged the union
Buzzed 1: I recognize that I’m the Jeff Bezos
*to [Baked 1]* You’re the Jeff to my Bezos
(when the pirates are tasked with designing their own arts and crafts-style flag)
Buzzed 2: Are they quilting?
Bored 2: Ohhhh they’re making a FLAG
Collective: (sounds of appreciation and understanding)
Buzzed 2: Are they mutinying?
Bored 2: What accent is that? Pirate?
Baked 1: GAY
Baked 1: I really hate when I can see a character’s sweat! Like the sweat beads
Baked 1: Yeah it’s a boat, it had a sail
Bored 1: Not all boats have sails
Buzzed 1: #notallboats
Baked 1: This feels gay for sure. Where’s Taika?
Buzzed 2: Why are they trying to give him a tragic backstory? I don’t need the trauma!
Bored 2: I thought (Buzzed 1) said this was a romcom…
Buzzed 1: Why does he have a chef hat?
Buzzed 2: What are they cooking? They all have scurvy.
Baked 1: Wait, is that Billie Eilish?
Buzzed 2: Aww they’re reading Pinocchio
Bored 2: It’s like a sleepover
Buzzed 1: Aww sleepover vibes
Baked 1: Alright nothing legally gay yet
Episode 2:
Buzzed 2: Why’s there a baguette man
Buzzed 1: Is this in sepia?
Baked 1: Wait, that’s how it’s pronounced? It’s not see-piah?
Bored 1: Wait we’ve missed something very important
Buzzed 1: (Bored 1) is bald guy
Bored 1: Ouch
Buzzed 1: No it’s affectionate. with love
Bored 2: I like his top
Buzzed 1: I think we should tell men more often we like their top
Buzzed 2: Blackbeard romance?
Baked 1: I hate British people
Buzzed 1: I hate British people but I feel a kinship with them
Buzzed 2: Where does the hatred come from?
Baked 1: It’s inherent
Buzzed 1: They talk funny and think they’re better than everyone. But I also think I’m better than everyone
Buzzed 2: It’s endearing
Bored 2: Wait she was in disguise?
Bored 1: I totally missed that plot point
Baked 1: Wait what
Bored 2: That one is a woman
Baked 1: Who’s a woman?
Buzzed 1: *singing “Woman” by Doja Cat*
Bored 2: Why is the music not matching
Buzzed 2: I like his pants
Ooh therapy!
Buzzed 2: I really hate the “woman in disguise gets found out while bathing” trope
Collective: (agreement)
Buzzed 1: Mulan!
Baked 1: Maybe that trope will get subverted though. Maybe Taika will do that for us. Taika please
Buzzed 1: Do you guys believe in ghosts?
Collective: No
Bored 2: No… well yes to spirits. There’s a ghost that haunts our bathroom
Bored 1: Wait like in your dorm or at home home
Bored 2: Oh at home
Baked 1: Oh in your home I thought you meant your dorm
Buzzed 2: I mean there was a murder at Bursley once
Buzzed 1 (attempting to parody “Mercy” – Kanye West): Last name Bonnet, first name Stede…
Bored 1: It was a good effort
Buzzed 1: I’ll stop
Buzzed 1: Woahh that guy’s got calves
Baked 1: Is this about the gays and the lesbians not getting along?
Bored 2: It has a deeper meaning
Episode 3
Baked 1: It’s Taika!!
Collective: (excitement)
(After showing a hostage still wearing a powdered wig weeks after capture)
Buzzed 2: Just take the wig off!
(After Captain Stede asks his crew what they should do with the hostages)
Buzzed 1: Yeah pirates were leaders in democracy. They voted on shit
Buzzed 2: Lucius. of course that’s his name
Buzzed 1: He’s putting his whole chest into it. *singing* Man for saaaaaale!
Baked 2: Why does it look like they’re at a wine and painting class
Buzzed 2: Painting with a twist
Baked 1: I actually feel like every single one of these characters is gay
Baked 1: Fred?? Fred Armisen??
Buzzed 2: Not the third person
Buzzed 1: *British accent* Gauche! My god, it was fucking kind of gauche!
Buzzed 2: I need to know the logistics of the fake nose
Baked 1: So rude of them to make her straight
(after seeing yet another shot of only a portion of Taika’s face)
Baked 1: Show me whole Taika
Buzzed 1: They keep teasing him
Baked 1: GAY
Buzzed 1: Look at his stupid little vest I hate you, Fred Armisen
(referring to backstory of Stede becoming a pirate)
Bored 1: This poor pirate, he just wants to follow his pirate dreams
Baked 1: I’m too high to understand why that was cute
Buzzed 2: I have no idea what’s going on
Buzzed 1, still: Fuck your vest Fred Armisen
*to Taika Waititi* WHAT
Baked 1: YES
Bored 1: the BEACH BOYS?
Episode 4:
Baked 1: He’s watching him sleep!
Bored 1: It’s enemies to lovers
Buzzed 1: Like you can tell he’s gay
Bored 2: Yea because his outfits are better than his wife’s
Baked 1: Tag yourself I’m Taika
Bored 2: He’s got the best hair
Buzzed 1: What a great fit
*dissecting Stede’s outfit*
Buzzed 2: he looks like Smee with the stripes and the red
Bored 2: yea and always with the ascot
Buzzed 1: yea that’s lovely
Baked 1: It makes me sick that his name is Stede and…
Collective: NOT STEVE
(during the scene where Stede is showing Blackbeard his library and closet)
Bored 2: Whoa he’s got a walk-in closet
Buzzed 2: This is an HGTV show for pirate ships
Buzzed 1: Non-binary queen
Buzzed 2: Is he going to like the books? Does he appreciate poetry??
Bored 1: omg this is very deep. like bonding
Bored 1: *pointing at screen* LOOK LOOK
Bored 2: THEY SWITCHED OUTFITS
Collective: (screaming)
Bored 1: look at the way he’s sitting legs crossed
Buzzed 1: i sit like that ALL the time
Buzzed 2: the full moon’s tomorrow? is there werewolves?
Baked 1: is this also magical?
Bored 1: see, astrology — gay
Buzzed 1, about Mary (Stede’s wife)’s painting: i don’t like that painting
Buzzed 2: it’s abstract art
Bored 2: Mary’s ahead of her time
Buzzed 2: like three centuries ahead of her time
Bored 2: she’s a modern woman
Bored 2: oh they’re gonna switch places
Buzzed 2: this is the princess and the pauper
Buzzed 1: the barbie movie??
Bored 1: cottage core!
Buzzed 1: at sunrise!
Bored 1: wearing each other’s clothes!
Buzzed 2: the 1700s equivalent of wearing each other’s sweatshirt
(After things become significantly less gay and significantly more murderous)
Buzzed 2: i don’t like this why do they have to do the whole murder thing
Bored 1: not the pirate thing with the murder! booo