This image is from the official trailer for "Our Flag Means Death," distributed by HBO Max.

The writers of The Michigan Daily do it all. On top of being college students with full course loads, they roll up their sleeves to consume media and write. For the entertainment of our loyal readership, The Michigan Daily has revitalized and revamped “Baked, Buzzed, Bored.” For the sake of journalism, three or more writers sacrifice their health and 3+ hours of their life to watch a TV show or film while either high (“baked”), drunk (“buzzed”) or sober (“bored”). This article was lightly edited to maintain the authenticity of the piece.

Episode 1

Baked 1: We watch until gay

Buzzed 2: Is this a musical? I really want it to be. 

Bored 1: I think I’ve seen him in something 

Buzzed 1: Hamilton?

Buzzed 1: That’s a terrible wig, why’d they do that to him

Buzzed 1: I feel like most jobs I’ve ever gotten I learned on the job

Bored 2: Are there no women in this show?

Buzzed 2: I feel like it’s the pirates of the Caribbean 

Buzzed 1: TV beat let’s have a mutiny

Baked 1: What’s happening right now is if Jeff Bezos encouraged the union

Buzzed 1: I recognize that I’m the Jeff Bezos

*to [Baked 1]* You’re the Jeff to my Bezos

(when the pirates are tasked with designing their own arts and crafts-style flag)

Buzzed 2: Are they quilting?

Bored 2: Ohhhh they’re making a FLAG

Collective: (sounds of appreciation and understanding)

Buzzed 2: Are they mutinying?

Bored 2: What accent is that? Pirate?

Baked 1: GAY

Baked 1: I really hate when I can see a character’s sweat! Like the sweat beads

Baked 1: Yeah it’s a boat, it had a sail

Bored 1: Not all boats have sails

Buzzed 1: #notallboats

Baked 1: This feels gay for sure. Where’s Taika?

Buzzed 2: Why are they trying to give him a tragic backstory? I don’t need the trauma!

Bored 2: I thought (Buzzed 1) said this was a romcom…

Buzzed 1: Why does he have a chef hat?

Buzzed 2: What are they cooking? They all have scurvy.

Baked 1: Wait, is that Billie Eilish?

Buzzed 2: Aww they’re reading Pinocchio 

Bored 2: It’s like a sleepover

Buzzed 1: Aww sleepover vibes

Baked 1: Alright nothing legally gay yet

Episode 2

Buzzed 2: Why’s there a baguette man

Buzzed 1: Is this in sepia?

Baked 1: Wait, that’s how it’s pronounced? It’s not see-piah?

Bored 1: Wait we’ve missed something very important 

Buzzed 1: (Bored 1) is bald guy 

Bored 1: Ouch 

Buzzed 1: No it’s affectionate. with love

Bored 2: I like his top

Buzzed 1: I think we should tell men more often we like their top

Buzzed 2: Blackbeard romance?

Baked 1: I hate British people

Buzzed 1: I hate British people but I feel a kinship with them

Buzzed 2: Where does the hatred come from?

Baked 1: It’s inherent 

Buzzed 1: They talk funny and think they’re better than everyone. But I also think I’m better than everyone 

Buzzed 2: It’s endearing 

Bored 2: Wait she was in disguise?

Bored 1: I totally missed that plot point 

Baked 1: Wait what

Bored 2: That one is a woman

Baked 1: Who’s a woman?

Buzzed 1: *singing “Woman” by Doja Cat*

Bored 2: Why is the music not matching

Buzzed 2: I like his pants

Ooh therapy!

Buzzed 2: I really hate the “woman in disguise gets found out while bathing” trope

Collective: (agreement)

Buzzed 1: Mulan!

Baked 1: Maybe that trope will get subverted though. Maybe Taika will do that for us. Taika please 

Buzzed 1: Do you guys believe in ghosts?

Collective: No 

Bored 2: No… well yes to spirits. There’s a ghost that haunts our bathroom

Bored 1: Wait like in your dorm or at home home 

Bored 2: Oh at home 

Baked 1: Oh in your home I thought you meant your dorm

Buzzed 2: I mean there was a murder at Bursley once 

Buzzed 1 (attempting to parody “Mercy” – Kanye West): Last name Bonnet, first name Stede…

Bored 1: It was a good effort 

Buzzed 1: I’ll stop

Buzzed 1: Woahh that guy’s got calves 

Baked 1: Is this about the gays and the lesbians not getting along?

Bored 2: It has a deeper meaning

Episode 3

Baked 1: It’s Taika!!

Collective: (excitement)

(After showing a hostage still wearing a powdered wig weeks after capture)

Buzzed 2: Just take the wig off!

(After Captain Stede asks his crew what they should do with the hostages)

Buzzed 1: Yeah pirates were leaders in democracy. They voted on shit

Buzzed 2: Lucius. of course that’s his name

Buzzed 1: He’s putting his whole chest into it. *singing* Man for saaaaaale!

Baked 2: Why does it look like they’re at a wine and painting class

Buzzed 2: Painting with a twist

Baked 1: I actually feel like every single one of these characters is gay

Baked 1: Fred?? Fred Armisen??

Buzzed 2: Not the third person

Buzzed 1: *British accent* Gauche! My god, it was fucking kind of gauche!

Buzzed 2: I need to know the logistics of the fake nose

Baked 1: So rude of them to make her straight

(after seeing yet another shot of only a portion of Taika’s face)

Baked 1: Show me whole Taika

Buzzed 1: They keep teasing him

Baked 1: GAY

Buzzed 1: Look at his stupid little vest I hate you, Fred Armisen

(referring to backstory of Stede becoming a pirate)

Bored 1: This poor pirate, he just wants to follow his pirate dreams

Baked 1: I’m too high to understand why that was cute 

Buzzed 2: I have no idea what’s going on 

Buzzed 1, still: Fuck your vest Fred Armisen

*to Taika Waititi* WHAT

Baked 1: YES

Bored 1: the BEACH BOYS?

Episode 4:

Baked 1: He’s watching him sleep!

Bored 1: It’s enemies to lovers

Buzzed 1: Like you can tell he’s gay

Bored 2: Yea because his outfits are better than his wife’s

Baked 1: Tag yourself I’m Taika

Bored 2: He’s got the best hair

Buzzed 1: What a great fit

*dissecting Stede’s outfit*

Buzzed 2: he looks like Smee with the stripes and the red

Bored 2: yea and always with the ascot

Buzzed 1: yea that’s lovely

Baked 1: It makes me sick that his name is Stede and…

Collective: NOT STEVE

(during the scene where Stede is showing Blackbeard his library and closet)

Bored 2: Whoa he’s got a walk-in closet

Buzzed 2: This is an HGTV show for pirate ships

Buzzed 1: Non-binary queen

Buzzed 2: Is he going to like the books? Does he appreciate poetry??

Bored 1: omg this is very deep. like bonding

Bored 1: *pointing at screen* LOOK LOOK


Collective: (screaming)

Bored 1: look at the way he’s sitting legs crossed

Buzzed 1: i sit like that ALL the time

Buzzed 2: the full moon’s tomorrow? is there werewolves?

Baked 1: is this also magical?

Bored 1: see, astrology — gay

Buzzed 1, about Mary (Stede’s wife)’s painting: i don’t like that painting

Buzzed 2: it’s abstract art

Bored 2: Mary’s ahead of her time

Buzzed 2: like three centuries ahead of her time

Bored 2: she’s a modern woman

Bored 2: oh they’re gonna switch places

Buzzed 2: this is the princess and the pauper

Buzzed 1: the barbie movie??

Bored 1: cottage core!

Buzzed 1: at sunrise!

Bored 1: wearing each other’s clothes!

Buzzed 2: the 1700s equivalent of wearing each other’s sweatshirt

(After things become significantly less gay and significantly more murderous)

Buzzed 2: i don’t like this why do they have to do the whole murder thing

Bored 1: not the pirate thing with the murder! booo