Editor’s Note: Corbin Bernsen’s film, “Christian Mingle The Movie,” is faith-based romantic comedy featuring a desperately lonely Lacey Chalbert and her pursuit to find love on dating website Christian Mingle (as a non-Christian, mind you) — making for a rather memorable experience for our participating staffers, inebriated or otherwise. Enjoy.

Baked

Holy fuck why is this so bad, caricature motherfucking Jesus. Tradition and the Halloween costume famous guy sailor is so ficking Dumb, I think there’s a vagina in the wall. It’s so far dipping into advertisement right now, oh my,? Oh my god this is so beyond anything ever so indreibly badAHES TALKING TO HEFXELF this isnfucking campy, this is an out of body experience. Do love marryiahe? Do you love finding cheesy white guts on a coffee sh. Yo we gotta talk about how this show is bad, dude this is wcaryvof fucking YO REAL QUICK LEMME DEVOTE 5 minutes TO THAT JOKE!!!!! NO HOMO let’s bring that back it’s funky Yo shout out normies and they suburban asses. Mass drunk would’ve rucking tense oh my god. Editing flops’ carrot to chocolate? Why is there steak and cake? Are they at steak and shake what fucking kind of shit eyes shut dude Gretchen wieners is in this fucking movement Cher tweet What’s going on with my career? Holy fuck thattweet is an out of Body experience k cannot believe that this entire shit is real. God has left us and all that is left is a guy missions and a sad Gretchen Weiners. This is so beyond anything what’s better than this guys being dudes???? Miss Weiners needs to fuck all the way off and I hate her so much she needs to pick up this character yo this is getting so racist I’m beyond. Everything lmfao Taylor Swift this is the worst EVER Reputation will be a commercial success, critical and artistic failure, and will show a weaker side of country’s inability to show any sort of range in theme. Yo god really is not here. She’s in Mexico right now but it’s actually Hollywood basements and it’s.o fucking crazy and mid if dad and it’s ficking scary how easily we can be swayed. Television cultivates your world and that is why you must analyze it in an arts column like the michigan daily. Imagine understanding the principles behind art. You will control ya mind. This is full on nonsense CHECK OUT THIS CHUNKY PASTEL PURPLE HELMET LOOKS MAMA this is so like sad and poorly paced like oops I forgot to spread

My character development enough across the movie so I pack it into an unrealistic conversation that waits on people Yo the synth of this music is mad sexy and sleek. The movie watching has deteriorated and the balance of power has shifted away from the movie. I am tranquil on the couch! Moses says let my people go! I am in search of the Holy Spirit and a warm place to sleep and experience what it means to be on heroin and holy fuck that movie was so awful.

— Daily Arts Writer

Buzzed

We started with “Heaven’s Door” and ended with “Christian Mingle The Movie.” Daily Arts presents: Cruising for Christianity.

“Death is life’s way of saying you’re fired,” “Heaven’s Door”  Bold, brash and undeniably edgy.

Now onto the good stuff — “Christian Mingle (sometimes promoted as Christian Mingle The Movie) is a 2014 faith-based romantic comedy film written and directed by Corbin Bernsen and starring Lacey Chabert as a woman who uses the website ChristianMingle to meet a man. The film was released in the United States on October 10, 2014 to VOD.” – Christian Mingle The Movie’s wikipedia page

The dude who directed this is the dad in Psych and the boss in it is Jack Barker from SIlicon Valley and this girl’s internal monologue is straight out of Sex in the City but not good because she’s dressed like a ten year old Hollister model (think stitched t-shirt w a jean skirt and a rope and a CHUNKY HEADBAND)

This movie is glaring with plot holes including: the main character is not Christian, the male love interest strongly resembles a Neo-Nazi, the Christian family dines over chocolate chip cookies and lemonade, the female lead chose a picture of herself in a CHUNKY HEADBAND as her profile picture for her  I have to say though they did a great job incorporating multi-cultural themes including: a white woman explaining to a white man different kinds of sushi, a team of white missionaries going to an indeterminate town in Mexico to presumably do service work but no one else is there besides the white people.

“I’m just more of a chili cheese dog sort of guy”

I took an hour off to play with a kitten. There’s zero resolution to this because I didn’t get resolution from this movie.

— Daily Arts Writer

Bored

Buzzed barges in at the strike of 9 o’clock and demands we see “The Passion of the Christ.” I, unfortunately, cannot adequately communicate how I’m not exactly in the mood to watch a bleeding Jim Caviezel for three hours. Alas.

Baked walks in and Buzzed emphatically implores Baked to watch “The Passion of the Christ.” “Fuck yeah” Baked slowly utters. I mention it’s three hours long. Baked no longer seems amused. Alas.

After spending some time searching for notably terrible spiritual dramas on Netflix (and watching twenty minutes of this drivel in the process), it’s as if some unexplainable divine force intervened in our lives as Netflix suggested we watch “Christian Mingle The Movie.” Masochism is alive and well in my social circle. Alas.

Save for the absurd plot holes (why a non-Christian would immediately choose Christian Mingle to find love over the fucking obvious choice of any other dating site that exists is beyond me), the crippling stupidity that plagues the film’s entire cast and dialogue stale enough to belong in suburban Panera Bread dumpster, the experience could’ve been worse. At least I didn’t spend three hours watching my friends validate Mel Gibson’s work.

— Anay Katyal, Managing Arts Editor

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