Hello, Will. I have recently started seeing someone. We have kissed a few times, but nothing more. I want to take things to the next level — really set the mood, you know? I was wondering if you could recommend some sexy / funky music or tips and tricks that you use to seduce your lovers.

I can already tell that you’ve never tried watching “WWE Raw” with your prospective lover. You’re one of those people who laughs at the idea of playing pro wrestling. I get it –– you think WWE is trashy and a form of the lowest culture known to humankind. You don’t date people who like WWE because “you’re better than that.” And you believe that WWE would kill any chances of setting the mood for a steamy night of romantic bliss. Well, I just want you to know that you’ve never been more mistaken in your entire life. It’s a shame that WWE isn’t more popular with college students at this school. I swear, if it were, the percentage of lonely and single people would dip down to, say, 35 percent.

WWE has never failed me (I’ve actually never tried this advice myself before. I am 0/0 with what I am about to tell you, and I am horribly unsuccessful in the art of seduction. But this only makes me more qualified to give advice.) And it won’t fail you either if you follow my steps carefully. Invite your prospective lover over for “movie night,” but don’t specify the movie. They’re in for a real treat! Suggest WWE and don’t take no for an answer. Perhaps, act like you’re watching it to be ironic. Say something like, “oh, c’mon! It’ll be funny!” Your prospective lover is probably not even interested in you in the first place, so you’ve got nothing to lose.

Once you both are seated on a couch, preferably close to one another, you’ll hear a knock on your door. When you open it, you’ll find a tall man in a baggy purple suit and yellow shirt and tie. He will say to you, “it’s time for this date to end.” You will invite this man into your home, and he will join you on this couch. You will not introduce him to your guest; the man does not like social interactions with strangers. He might release a few mouthy grunts, but this is normal. After about five minutes of awkwardness and slight fear, your prospective lover will leave you. The next day, try and make some contact and explain what happened. Claim that the man in the purple suit is your friend, and you invited him over because he is a good man. At this point, fate will take over, and qué será, será.

I will dress up in one of my many purple suits and yellow shirt/tie combos. I wore one to my Senior Prom, and it was a quite the hit. Email me at wbstewar@umich.edu for details (and maybe some groovy pictures). Best of luck!

I’m in a weird moment in life where I feel like I’m at a standstill. I have these feelings like I should be in a relationship because I am in college and am probably peaking (if I haven’t already) but there isn’t anyone that I’ve found yet who I’d like to be with. What do I do?

What kind of question is “what do I do?” The answer is simple: do the exact opposite of whatever it is you’ve been doing that’s caused you to be single. If you aren’t in a relationship, you’re a nobody. Don’t be a nobody. Be in a relationship! Follow the aforementioned seduction advice and you will no longer be single in about two-ish weeks.

Or, maybe you haven’t found the right person. This could be true. Do not sell yourself short and settle for someone who will make you miserable. Being single ain’t that bad, my friend. People always want what they don’t have. Once you’re in a relationship, you’ll move onto something else to lament about, like not having enough friends or something. Then, you’ll post saying something like this: “Will, I have no friends. I have a girlfriend, but no friends. I’m peaking right now but I’m not peaking because I don’t have friends but I have a girlfriend. What do I do?” You get what I’m saying.

SHIT! I’m stuck in a freaking mine!! I’ve been here for days please help! I need advice on how to get out! Dear God SOMEONE!!!!

I have no experience with mines. I’m simply including this to show off to the world: I have received the greatest plea for advice of all time. Congrats!

But you weren’t stuck in a mine, were you? I’m not Gullible Will. Don’t think you can fool me. 

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.