The writers of The Michigan Daily do it all. On top of being college students with full course loads, they roll up their sleeves to consume media and write. For the entertainment of our loyal readership, The Daily has revitalized and revamped “Baked Buzzed Bored.” For the sake of journalism, three or more writers sacrifice their health and 3+ hours of their life to watch a TV show or film (or, in this case, play a video game) while either high (“baked”), drunk (“buzzed”) or sober (“bored”). This article was lightly edited to maintain the authenticity of the piece.
In this special B-Side edition, six writers played “Super Mario Sunshine.”
Mario would trade dignity for some seafood.
This game is not made for babies. It’s made for advanced babies.
Martin Scorsese could never do this.
Here ma’am, be clean.
This whole adventure is Mario’s community service hours.
APAB — All Piantas Are Bastards
I feel so happy right now.
This feels like so much fucking worse than any other Mario game.
(Epically misses a Shine by jumping off a cliff)
Hey! That was self-harm, Petey! The only one who’s allowed to hurt you is me!
(Offensive Pianta impressions)
Ah fuck! Shit! Bitch! Mo Bamba!
The bloopers in this game are, like, fat. Not to diminish them or anything, but they’re FAT.
(After killing a blooper) I like torturing animals, just a little bit.
You hit a wall and Mario goes through the windshield, bam dead.
I’ve never felt a strong connection to winning.
It sounds like you’re dragging your stomach across a cheese grater.
He’s doing a little Jersey Shore arm pump.
I’m trying to play this game like no man has ever played it before. I understand you don’t have the sensibilities for what I’m going for.
Look at that, we got further in this file.
He went to Full Sail University. Mario wants to be the next generation of content creator.
Get them off! Gentrify!
Super Mario sphincter
Did you just say Mario has a bidet???
FLUDD’s gotta be a good bidet.
Tastefully shitty graphics
I’m so sad about Mario Batali. I used to be such a big fan
Did Mario get his Miranda rights
Gorbachev better come and help us clean
Loving the krautrock on the soundtrack. Kraftwerk could learn something
He’s gonna smack the shit out of someone’s Italian nonna.
If you get happiness from this game something is wrong with you.
This shit like Squid Games.
Aren’t we all just doing different things all the time?
I’m not gonna lie, it doesn’t look like you’re cleaning a lot.
Piranha plant inflation fetish
This game has lesbian vibes
Do you think anyone close to Mario has ever died
This game sucks so bad
(Bored 2: “This is as far as I’ve gotten”) We’re on level two. They own the game.
The marimba is stronger than all of us combined
This takes place on the Jersey shore
I’m more upset than anyone that I’m doing this. I’m suffering more than all of you.
That’s where Kim Kardashian lost her earring.
I feel so empty.
Mario’s asexual. Canon.
I know what fucking rococo is, okay? I played Animal Crossing.
Alright fam, it’s time to waterboard.
Did he just say fuck?
Are you like not aware of what button you’re pressing?
I don’t like the way the squids move.
(About a nicely dressed Pianta) Hello, sailor.
I’m so uncomfortable.
(Aggressive cutting motion across the throat)
It literally sounds like the credits of Glee.
I’m just trying to roast you, and you got all technical.
(Clenching her entire body in anxiety)
(Softly) Don’t …
There’s no shame in giving up. (hiccups)
You got frustrated after four Shines? This game is for babies.
That was some Elden Ring boss shit.
Wait this game is all water levels?
Suffering for the least amount of time.
(First “Game Over” of the session) There’s fall damage in this game??
You’re already a quarter of the way to getting frustrated
I gotta go. I can’t watch any more of this.
Mario is horny for seafood
Mario gets racially profiled in this because Italians deserve it
The second person to voice Toad will be Keegan-Michael Key
(Superfluous Italian noises)
Baked has fallen down the entire tower and is now shimmying in a circle making Luigi noises
Is Petey Piranha dancing? He’s dancing!
Baked glitched into the sewers and has to go to the very start of the level
Lemme try. (Instantly misses the bloopers and falls into water)
Let’s go, green man.
Wait, he INSULTED me? I’m not fast enough for Big Daddy.
Give me my Shine, you bitch. Fuck you, Daddy.
Buzzed 1 is getting really mad at the pianta
Buzzed 1 almost killed the miniboss and then died instantly
They chose the stupidest possible noise for the most common NPC (non-playable character) to make so every time they talk we have to make fun of them
(Baked, talking about trees: “You see these dumb brown ones?”) Wow, man.
The four of us have spent like 10 minutes each on this one level. The first two had no idea where to go. I figure out a little and Baked gets further along. They get into the area and just have to flip the platform they’re on to beat the level. For some reason, this game needs to press B if you’re vertically hanging from a platform to switch and Y if you’re crawling on the side. If you press the wrong one, you fall off. I yell to press B. Baked does not. We stop playing.
Did Mario just cum?
(About FLUDD) He’s my first crush!
Why are you spraying that woman?
Peach has her shoulders out. What a slut.
We are outside of the Mushroom Kingdom, my friend. There is no law here.
(About Delfino cops) ACAB!!
The music is so good and I will die on that hill.
I think Peach has the hots for Shadow Mario. Everyone loves a bad boy.
(About paint portals on Delfino) Have you guys ever seen Barbie Rapunzel? It’s like that.
They look like little burgers.
Rip-a-roni, my pepperoni friend.
Do you think Mario goes to Hillsong Church?
Guys it’s just like Garfield Kart.
I’m gonna hear this duck pitter-patter sound in my nightmares.
GROUND POUND! GROUND POUND! NOOO!
(Baked: “It would be illuminating”) For Mario to get pegged?
(Just fails to play the game correctly in any way for at least 10 minutes)
This whole level feels like an OSHA violation.