In an effort to diversify their lineup, Bravo has premiered a new spin on their Real Housewives series — unlike “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” “New York City,” “Miami” and the other series, “The Future Real Housewives of Ann Arbor” centers on, well, women who are 19 going on 20, instead of 40 going on 19.
The diverse cast follows five freshman gals at the University of Michigan as they search for love in this crazy college town. Rachel, Sarah, Ali, Emma and Apple-North Moses get into a cat fight over the same frat guy within the first 10 minutes of the pilot episode alone. Set at Tau Epsilon Kappa’s “fifths and cuffs” rager, each future housewife, with their long dark hair and cute Adidas Superstars, learns that Timmy asked them all to his formal in Chicago the following weekend. How did they learn this earth-shattering news, one might ask? Their frat boi dates told them because when you’re handcuffed to a guy you barely know with a fifth of Kamchatka in your other hand, well, shit happens.
So for the remainder of the pilot we see some wild “Real Housewives of New Jersey”-style drama commence; lots of tears are shed, a few dresses are ripped to shreds and fake tans are ruined. Obviously, Timmy tries to put an end to this drama by reassuring all of the girls that there’s lots of chances to hook up in the future, but alas, Timmy ends up soaked in their cans of Natty Light. Of course Timmy gets pissed — his Timberlands and Canada Goose jacket are completely ruined (why Timmy is wearing a Canada Goose jacket at a steamy frat part is beyond me). But, like the gentleman that Timmy is, he calls each gal a Lyft (not an Uber, because Timmy messed that one up) home.
All this drama is quite entertaining to watch. It’s refreshing to see such intelligent college co-eds put their feelings on display so publicly. If you think this new reality show is just another “Jersey Shore,” you’d be wrong! We actually learn quite a lot from “The Future Real Housewives of Ann Arbor.” For example, we learn that Rachel, Sarah, Ali, Emma and Apple-North Moses are all majoring in communications because they want to be able to educate their kids on the ~harmful effects of the media~. We even learn some Econ 101 as they get tutored by Ross students (it’s OK that they’re just taking Econ to find a Ross husband, right?), and we also learn some healthy habits as they fill their plates with kale, workout at the Ross gym and proceed to drink a fifth of vodka later that night!
Overall, I’d say this is the best spin on the Real Housewives series to date. After all, what could be better than watching some goal-oriented kids seize life by the balls, one bottle of Ciroc at a time?
Editor’s note: This is part of an April Fool’s parody B-Side issue. All events and individuals depicted are fictional (to the best of our knowledge). There’s probably someone out there named Apple-North, though.