Some random voice says, “Crime, violence and fear have run rampant.” Some thug sprays his machine gun. Some people run and scream. Some tower falls over. The voice says something about a city being destroyed, then gibberish words about heroes and justice. It could be the teaser trailer for 90 percent of every action movie ever. It’s actually the teaser for this summer’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” in which producer Michael Bay continues his proud tradition of turning ’80s children’s cartoons into CGI spectacles with more mature violence and less mature humor.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
F
Paramount
Megan Fox (“Transformers”) reprises her role as the gorgeous female who somehow gets herself mixed up in the mess. Her role includes fainting at her first encounter with walking, talking turtles, so at least we know the film won’t even attempt to avoid clichés. After introducing Fox, some thug sprays his machine gun. Some people run and scream. Some tower falls over. Maybe there were miscellaneous chemical tubes in there somewhere. Then, the viewer gets two good looks at slow-mo turtle action. The perfect movie for people who love things they’ve seen a hundred times before.