It’s Friday.
We live in a messed up world, Block ‘M’ readers, but there’s at least one law that governs this universe: if you’re not on Twitter, you’re a peasant.
Yes, you love Twitter. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. Bored in class? Twitter. Bored of homework? Twitter. Bored during sex? Twitter. No friends at the party? Twitt — well, make some friends. Seriously, don’t use Twitter at parties.
But sometimes, Twitter is too much to sift through. You follow 859 people and half of them don’t really know how to use it. Other times, Twitter is sublime, and it could turn a rainy day sunny. So, this is the inaugural weekly Twitter round-up, where I’ll highlight the best tweets of the week as they relate to Michigan sports (and sometimes college sports in general).
This is the first installment, so I’m going to range back a bit more than a week, just because this was too good to pass up:
Number of times I’ve tried to buy toilet paper in the last week: 2.Number of times I’ve ended up with paper towels: 2. #epicfail
— Zack Novak (@novak3159) October 4, 2012
Oh, poor Zack Novak. Did the Michigan athletic department pamper him so much throughout college that he NEVER had to buy his own toilet paper? I’m pretty certain that’s an NCAA violation. If so, looks like Michigan might lose a scholarship this year. Bye bye, Blake McLimans.
Really, that Ross education didn’t teach Novak the subtle differences between Bounty and Charmin? Yeah yeah, I know, athletes don’t go to class. Whatever, we love Novak. For this, this and this, double-rolls are on me, Zack.
In fairness to Novak, who graduated last year after leading the Michigan basketball program from the dungeon to national relevance, he’s currently hoopin’ in Never Land The Netherlands for the Landstede basketball club. Dutch products are probably pretty confusing, man.
Also, Novak redeemed himself by tweeting a link to this totally brodacious T-shirt.
Of course, don’t worry @ummaizerage, the #ChicksDigScars shirt comes in maize too.I didn’t forget about you all!ugpmichiganapparel.com/products/view/…
— Zack Novak (@novak3159) October 9, 2012
Don’t get it? Basically, that’s what happens to your face when you’re a freshman playing in the frontcourt against Duke. Michigan coach John Beilein thought it was a good idea, for whatever reason.
Keeping it on the basketball front, if you don’t follow Michigan men’s basketball assistant coach Bacari Alexander, you’re missing out. Every so often, he goes on “tweet blitzes” in which he’ll dominate your feed for about an hour as he tweets shamelessly pro-Michigan propaganda and awesome motivational quotes. And when he’s not blitzing, he’s upstaging Beilein for best-dressed on the coaching circuit.
Alexander — who goes by BA — has coined ridiculous/hilarious hashtags like #HALOL (having a lot of laughs) and #growblue and #uconscious that have taken the Michigan Twitter community by storm. Here’s a blitz sampling:
Someone asked me if we had “Open Practices” I said it depends on what kid of Kool-Aid you drink? If you like Green and Red flavors then NO!!
— Bacari Alexander (@bacari34) October 22, 2012
I’m not so sure green Kool-Aid is a thing. But I get it. Boo, Michigan State! Boo, Ohio!
One of my players said to me as it relates to expectations, “If you scared, then call the cops”. I said, “play some defense”. #HALOL
— Bacari Alexander (@bacari34) October 22, 2012
Solid retort, BA.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Ohhhhhh, Oh!!!!!!! #soundsofBIGHOUSE
— Bacari Alexander (@bacari34) October 22, 2012
Yeah, BA is at all the football games. Because he’s awesome.
@novak3159 #uconscious #tweetblitzingisanartoritspureretardationonmypart #HALOL
— Bacari Alexander (@bacari34) October 22, 2012
BA #doesnotreallyunderstandhashtagswhichmakeshishashtagshilarious.
But for somebody who uses Twitter as his personal ramble medium, BA doesn’t hold a candle to Michigan quarterback commit Shane Morris. The kid is still in high school, and as far as I can tell from his tweets, he’s as humble as Thad Castle from Blue Mountain State:
So many high school football players around Michigan talking stuff too me right now..You act like we know each other..Ive never heard of you
— Shane Morris (@S_Morris12) October 22, 2012
You think no-name opponents talk trash on Twitter now? Wait until you’re in the same conference as Michigan State.
#ImAttractedTo girls who can pull off that real dark red lipstick… #sexy
— Shane Morris (@S_Morris12) October 18, 2012
Get those lips ready, ladies.
Any real girls left out there anymore?
— Shane Morris (@S_Morris12) October 23, 2012
Yeah, they’re not on Twitter, fool. Go out and meet them.
Anyhow, Morris has racked up nearly 13,000 tweets for your pleasure. Worth a follow, if you don’t mind him taking up your entire feed.
That wraps up Week 1. Here are your honorable mentions:
UM’s @jdkandrey dropped a music video: It’s uber hype, it’s got cameos from ‘Team 133’ and a Romney dig. Watch: bit.ly/X8MDvQ
— Stephen J. Nesbitt (@stephenjnesbitt) October 23, 2012
Watch if you aren’t tired of frat rap yet.
#shoutout to me I low key did my thang on this midterm!!! I’ll take an 85% any day!! instagr.am/p/RIWKiPzVOf/
— Devin Gardner™ (@teamDGizzle) October 23, 2012
Yeah, we don’t care Devin. We’d rather you learn how to run routes and catch passes. Please and thank you.
He’s back twitter.com/Mark__Snyder/s…
— Mark Snyder (@Mark__Snyder) October 23, 2012
Warms your heart, doesn’t it?
— Pasch can be reached at lpasch@umich.edu or on Twitter: @lucaspasch