Films opening

Looney Tunes: Back in Action Yay! Looney Tunes are back in
action. And look, they’ve got a new big, goofy,
dumbass-looking character. I wonder who that is … Oh, woops,
sorry, Brendan Fraser. At Showcase: 12:55, 1:25, 3:05, 3:35, 5:15,
5:45, 7:25, 9:35, 11:40.

Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World Russell
Crowe’s an Aussie, ain’t he? He’ll feel right at
home cruising around in that there big ol’ boat, won’t
he? Huh, huh, huh, huh. At Showcase: 12:30, 1:00, 3:40, 4:10, 6:40,
7:10, 9:40, 10:10, 12:35. At Madstone:

Prey for Rock-N-Roll Gina Gershon is one feisty cat. She should
play the role of female rocker/tattoo artist, and she’s
getting props here because all the other female leads on the list
are worthless. Including you, Hugh Grant. At Madstone:

Tupac: Resurrection Having Tupac “narrate” his own
biopic through archived interview clips is very convenient. It
almost doesn’t seem that farfetched to suppose that Pac never
died. But hey, who is this measly critic to open his big, fat
mouth? At Showcase: 1:20, 1:50, 4:25, 4:55, 7:10, 7:40, 9:45,
10:15, 12:20 (Fri and Sat).

Films holding

Brother Bear Not to reveal anything, but would you feel guilty
if you tried to hunt and kill your brother after he was turned into
a bear by the great spirit in the sky? At Showcase: 12:45, 1:15,
2:45, 3:15, 4:50, 5:20, 7:05, 9:00, 11:00.

Elf Maybe this’ll put some common sense into
parents’ heads. Everyone thinks Santa and his elves are so
damned nice and innocent. How about when they kidnap your little
one? Who’s the jolly ol’ fat man then? That’s
what I thought. At Showcase: 12:10, 12:40, 2:25, 2:55, 4:40, 5:10,
7:00, 7:30, 9:20, 9:50, 11:35, 12:05.

In the Cut What’s that? Do I see another sub-par Meg Ryan
movie? Oh, and this time she’s attempting to make a thriller.
I bid you nothing but bad luck, Meg. Now get out of theaters so I
don’t have to keep including you on this list. At
Madstone:

Kill Bill: Volume 1 This movie is definitely one of the most
illmatic action joints to come out recently. If you dig ninjas and
a director audacious enough to name his heroine’s ride the
“Pussy Wagon,” then you better get yourself to the
theater. At Showcase: 4:15, 9:25, 11:55.

Love Actually Hugh Grant alone is enough reason to start a hit
list. Ever since “The Englishman Who Went Up a Mountain and
Came Down a Hill” he’s been making crappy movies and
enjoying all the hot chicks. At Showcase: 1:10, 1:40, 4:00, 4:30,
6:50, 7:20, 9:35, 10:05, 12:25

Luther Martin Luther: the Love, the lies, the scandal. No, not
really. More like an artsy pic about the great church reformer. At
Madstone:

The Matrix Revolutions Ahh (*sigh of dismay*), the places where
this series could have gone are endless, especially if it
didn’t slow down the camera for every damned punch and have a
moronic surfer clown as its lead. At Showcase: 12:35, 2:15, 3:30,
5:00, 6:45, 7:15, 7:45, 8:15, 9:30, 10:00, 10:30, 11:10, 12:10 (Fri
and Sat), 12:40 (Fri and Sat). At Madstone: 1:00, 1:30, 2:00, 4:00,
4:30, 5:00, 7:00, 7:45, 9:45, 10:15.

Mystic River The moral of the story: Next time you decide to go
pedophile hunting, try to do it on a night other than the one when
your childhood friend’s daughter is murdered. It’ll
save everyone a lot of hassle. At Showcase: 1:30, 6:35. At
Madstone: 1:30, 4:15, 7:05, 9:45.

Radio Aww, how cute: A handicapped boy gets to play football.
Ain’t that something? This just better not be another of
Disney’s ploys to wrench money from our pocketbooks by
getting us to turn on the waterworks. Conniving bastards. At
Showcase: Noon, 2:20, 4:35, 6:55, 9:15, 11:30. At Madstone: 1:00,
3:10, 5:20, 7:30, 9:45.

Runaway Jury Oh, so that’s how the legal system functions.
Thanks, John Grisham. Your comprehensive understanding of law and
knack for nuanced storytelling both leave us in awe. At Showcase:
1:05, 3:45, 6:30, 9:10, 11:45. At Madstone: 1:00, 3:35, 7:30,
9:35.

Scary Movie 3 Have you ever been in a cockpit before? Have you
ever seen a grown man naked? That doesn’t really make sense
here, but David Zucker directed “Scary,” and this
seemed to be an opportune moment to quote his classic,
“Airplane.” At Showcase: 12:05, 2:10, 4:20, 6:15, 8:10,
10:25, 12:35. At Madstone: 1:15, 3:20, 5:25, 7:30, 9:35.

The School of Rock Prepare to have your socks rocked off, folks.
You wouldn’t think much could be made of a movie about a
school of rock and roll, but once again, Jack Black proves us
wrong. At Showcase: 12:15, 2:40, 5:05, 7:35, 9:55, 12:15 (Fri and
Sat).