Sparties make it easy . and fun
Scott Bell, The Michigan Daily
It's not even fair, really.

Do you think I get a kick out of this?

Winning an argument against a State fan about which school is better is like beating Matt Trannon in a spelling bee.

Or Jeff Smoker in a sobriety contest.

Or a Michigan State clock operator in a job-efficiency competition.

Or Tom Izzo in an "I'm-tall-enough-to-ride-roller-coasters" contest.

Or Mateen Cleaves in a . nevermind. You get the picture.

I could go on, but the fact is everyone knows the truth already. I go to one of the finest universities in America, both academically and athletically. You, uh, had a good women's hoops team a few years back.

So why should I have to point this out to everyone?

I was raised with sound principles: Don't kick someone while they're down, pick on someone your own size - you know, pretty routine stuff.

Telling Michigan State students they're eventually going to be bagging my groceries is pretty redundant (big word, look it up).

So why should I do it?

Well, because I can. And because it's fun.

You Sparties are like the annoying little sibling who always wants attention. So here you go, here's your attention.

Year after year, students at Michigan State get geared up for this "rivalry." Last time I checked, a series as lopsided as 67-24-3 in favor of one team isn't considered a rivalry. But hey, I know common sense isn't your strongpoint - I'll cut you some slack there.

Maybe I'm just a sick person, but I find it funny to listen to Spartan fans argue why their school is better. But then I find out that some of you're actually serious, and it just makes me sad for humanity.

Let's tackle the usual arguments .

Our basketball team is better than yours.

Congrats on owning us over a 10-year period. Now you're just 21 games away from tying us in the all-time series. But don't worry, I'm sure Drew Neitzel and Marquis Gray are the second coming of Magic and Mo-Pete. And why do you always seem to leave out other sports in your arguments? Hmhmh. (Michigan has never lost a Challenge Cup to Michigan State, which rewards the best all-around school for sports in a given year.)

Our school has hotter girls.

I hear a couple of them can even read, too. Those are the keepers.

We party so much harder than you guys.

Once we learn how to riot after wins, losses and ties in sporting events, maybe we can enter your league. But until then, I guess we're not worthy. And actually, your habit of charging people for cups at house parties is smart. You guys better make money now, because I doubt that Michigan State diploma is going to do you any good after college.

We farm dem fields bettuh den you guys.

Yes, yes you do. Congrats.

So there you go, you got attention. And hey, if you ignore rankings for sports and academics, ignore our esteemed alumni compared to yours and ignore common sense, then you may have that rivalry you Sparties so desperately desire.

But be careful what you wish for.

Even though I couldn't care less about Michigan State students, the Michigan football players will. When your batteredSparty squad limps into the Big House fresh off a beating from Illinois (!), it will get the attention you crave so much.

But do you really want the attention of an undefeated team that has your number? Do you really want to anger the most storied football program in history?

On Saturday, expect Drew Stanton to get knocked down harder than a drunken student trying to get in Amadou Ba's way.

Expect a sendoff for the only coach that can actually make Bobby Williams look like a good coach.

And most importantly, expect more proof that the best thing about East Lansing is that it's just 45 minutes away from Ann Arbor.

- Scott Bell is greatly anticipating hate mail from Michigan State students. He won't even make fun of them for all the spelling and grammar mistakes. He can be reached at scotteb@umich.edu.

There's no joy in East Lansing (yet)
Ethan Conley, The State News
I don't even know where to begin.

These dueling columns are usually just a chance for reporters from the respective newspapers to boast about their team and trash the opposition's fan base. But I'm fresh out of ammunition. No jokes about ugly coeds or trailer-trash fans will be seen here - not when half the MSU roster is in the infirmary and the head coach is a dead man walking.

Drew Stanton is nursing sore ribs, Javon Ringer's right knee is torn to shreds, the offensive line is as sturdy as a house of cards and the coaching staff has been in the fetal position for the last two weeks.