Fall is back and so are a slew of new
shows that will be lucky to last longer than "The Magic Hour." With
this guide through the vast wasteland of the new fall season, we
hope to help you avoid watching the next "Michael Richards Show"
and discover the next "Seinfeld." To discover what shows are
premiering in what looks to be one of the weakest television
seasons in recent memory, follow this comprehensive preview ...

September 7-13

Whoopi - NBC, Tuesdays 8 p.m.

Premieres Sept. 9

Premise: Whoopi Goldberg plays a former one-hit wonder
diva in a sitcom set in a hotel bar/lounge.

Chances for success: Goldberg's star power is on the
decline and the humor looks juvenile at best. NBC's Tuesday-night
ratings have been waning and this does not appear to be the
solution.

Prediction: Whoopi will return to doing what she does
best; making "uplifting" movies as a singing nun or blocking with
her center square.

Happy Family - NBC, Tuesdays 8:30 p.m.

Premieres Sept. 9

Premise: Former sitcom heavyweights John Laroquette and
Christine Baranski unite in this comedy as empty-nest parents still
dealing with their grown children's problems.

Chances for success: With bookends of "Whoopi" and the
declining "Frasier," "Happy Family" better be as funny as HBO's
"Curb Your Enthusiasm" to have any chance of surviving.

Prediction: Even with numerous Emmy's between them, why
can't Laroquette and Baranski spot a lemon? NBC sure is shaping
Tuesday to be a night of Must-Flip TV, especially with the addition
of everyone's favorite "Good Morning Miami." It has two likable
leads, but then again so did "Gigli."

Jake 2.0 - UPN, Wednesdays 9 p.m.

Premieres Sept. 10

Premise: A computer technician, actor Christopher Gorham,
becomes a secret agent in a modern-day "Six Million Dollar
Man."

Chances for success: Genre TV often leads to failure, but
if "Jake" gains even a small cult following, it may be able to
survive on the desperate UPN. However, David Greenwalt's other cult
hit, "Angel," airs at the same time on the WB. There might not be
enough room for two genre shows at the same time. Greenwalt's last
effort "Miracles" was critically acclaimed, but suffered from
public apathy.

Prediction: Poor scheduling may cause "Jake 2.0" to log
off prematurely.

The Mullets - UPN, Sneak preview Thursdays 9:30 p.m.,
moves to Tuesdays 9:30 p.m.

Premieres Sept. 11

Premise: From "The Simpsons" producer Josh Weinstein
comes the story of two brothers who have the same haircut and last
name.

Chances for success: Centering your show on a redneck
haircut does not necessarily translate into viewers. UPN's track
record with comedies leaves something to be desired as well.

Prediction: Has UPN not learned anything? Move over
"Shasta McNasty," "Homeboys in Outer Space" and the "Secret Diaries
of Desmond Pfiefer," UPN is still looking for a new lowest common
denominator. UPN will likely take out the shears and trim this
waste of time from their schedule.

Carnivale - HBO Sundays 9:30 p.m.

Premieres Sept. 14

Premise: Set in the Depression-era Dust Bowl, the battle
of good and evil takes the forefront amidst a travelling carnival
filled with freak show oddities.

Chances for success: With an outlandish premise and dark
undertones, it would seem destined for failure if not on everyone's
favorite channel - HBO. This is the network that made a drama about
morticians talking to dead people a water cooler sensation, so
"Carnivale" should not be any different.

September 14-20

Prediction: It inherits the coveted HBO Sunday slot, like
it could fail. Millions of viewers are bound to make this HBO's
next breakout hit. But that damn "e" on the end must stand for
something ...

Eve - UPN, Mondays 8:30 p.m.

Premieres Sept. 15

Premise: Rap star Eve plays a modern woman going through
the trials of life and love.

Chances for Success: Joining UPN's racially-fueled line
up of comedies might enable this show to succeed. However, UPN
should consider creating shows based on content rather than solely
the ethnicity of the actors.

Prediction: Eve should stick to her day job. Without
being on UPN, Eve would be in for a Ruff Ryde. This sitcom looks on
par with LL Cool J's lame "In The House" attempt as opposed to Will
Smith's success in the genre.

All of Us - UPN, Tuesdays 8:30 p.m.

Premieres Sept. 16

Premise: This comedy about a family learning to coexist
is based on the real life domestic situation of celebrity couple
Will Smith and Jada Pinkett.