The Michigan Daily: Hi, is Jeff there?

Random: Yeah, this is Jeff.

TMD: Hi, my name is Rebecca and I'm from The Michigan Daily. You have been chosen for the Random Student Interview. Want to help me out?

R: Sure, will this take long? It's kind of late.

TMD: No, we can make it quick I suppose. But please be gentle, it's my first time.

R: (laughs) Okay.

TMD: Let's get started then. Have you ever committed or witnessed a crime on campus?

R: Not really. During the first week of classes, I saw someone trying to steal a bike, but they gave up.

TMD: Yeah, crime is rampant here. Especially public urination. So, essentially, you just stood around watching the attempted theft without doing anything about it?

R: I did, but I was on my cell phone with my mom, and I couldn't get off to call the cops or anything.

TMD: You couldn't, or you didn't? Jeff, are you a momma's boy? Be honest, this is a phone conversation, and you should feel comfortable enough to tell me almost anything. I'm here to listen.

R: I do hold a special spot in my heart for my mom.

TMD: Loser. Your heart will be trampled on by the next girl who comes your way, wuss.

R: Oh, OK, so I shouldn't tell people that?

TMD: Now you're talking. Speaking of girls, do you have a girlfriend?

R: Not really.

TMD: What kind of answer if that, you kind of have a girlfriend?

R: I just got out of a long relationship with my high-school girlfriend.

TMD: Ah, one of those. So, you guys broke up because you wanted to have your way with other freshman girls?

R: You could say I want to keep my options open.

TMD: I bet you were dumped.

R: It was mutual, actually.

TMD: Hey, what are the cat's pajamas?

R: I don't know, what?

TMD: No, see, I asked you, that means you respond to my question.

R: Then I really don't know.

TMD: Me neither, but I'm thinking it's something flannel.

R: Okay then.

TMD: Have you ever heard the saying, "Freshman girls: Get them while they are skinny?"

R: (laughing) No. Did you make that up?

TMD: No, Jeff, I wish that I did ... But, I'm serious; act fast and get them while they are skinny. Michigan residents are also the fattest in the nation, so stay away from Michigan girls. That and Faygo softdrinks, another Michigan specialty.

R: I'm from Michigan and I like Red Pop.

TMD: Then I don't even need to tell you what I'm talking about.

Have you ever been told that you look like a celebrity?

R: Um, my aunt once told me I look like Ricky Martin a little.

TMD: I'm sure she was lying. Do you like to wear tight pants and shake your bon bon?

R: I only dance when I'm alone.

TMD: Hmm, is that a code for something else? I hate to ask what shaking your tailfeather means. Do you have a lot of pent-up frustration?

R: Not really. I'm just an average guy. Do you look like a celebrity?

TMD: Excusa me, but whose interview is this?

R: Sorry.

TMD: Adrien Brody, but without the nose. Dead-on look alike. If you were to write a personal ad, what would the title be?

R: Like single, white, male seeking a thin, non-smoking, Catholic woman?

TMD: No, not at all. I'm talking about the heading of the ad. Like, "Ready and Willing," "Finger-licking Good" or "Are you my Romeo?"

R: Seems like you've really thought about this. Um ...

(After almost two minutes of thinking hard, Jeff comes up with something less than genius.)

R: How about "My Cherie Amore?"

TMD: Wow, you're getting all Stevie Wonder on me.

R: I tried. That was hard.

TMD: What's you favorite Michigan athetic team?

R: Women's soccer, no doubt.

TMD: Any particular reason?

R: They are really mean and try to beat each other up. It's awesome! You can't find that anywhere else.

TMD: What are you studying? We need to fit some small talk in somewhere, that is, if we are going to continue talking.

R: Um, I'm not sure yet. Maybe political science.

TMD: Oh, OK. So you will be the smarter one in this relationship.

R: I think I can handle that.

TMD: I don't think you're ready for this jelly. Tell me this, do you have an aversion to the word "poop?" I'm sorry if you do, but the Random Student Interview characteristically features a fecal-matter segment. It's in our constitution.