Another week, another ill-advised marriage.

Emerging from a coke-induced stupor long enough to make a trip to the pharmacy, model Kate Moss recently learned she is pregnant with the child of boyfriend and frequent rehabber Pete Doherty. In response to the news, Doherty proposed to Moss, cementing them as possibly the most dysfunctional family in media history. Given the duo's proficient and public drug habits, doctors likened the baby to the drug-smuggling dolls of "Traffic." Sure it looks completely normal, but drop that baby in water and it's all yayo.

As for (purportedly) real babies, Suri Cruise will always be a bastard in my mind, but Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes will finally marry Nov. 18 at his Italian villa, exactly 19 months after their first date. Guests were notified that they should be free that weekend, and Scientologists worldwide marked down their newest holiday. The inevitable media blitz that began after the couple was spotted as a couple kicked into overdrive with magazines clamoring for details and stationing their helicopters. As of now, the only real news occurred when Giorgio Armani confirmed that he will design the wedding dress. Cruise's suit will be courtesy of NASA.

But back to the nose candy: Nicole Kidman's new husband, country-pop singer Keith Urban, checked into rehab recently. While crooning saccharine lyrics to crowds of Republican femmes might seem like enough torture to make you reevaluate their purpose for living, Urban simply turns to good old rock. He decided to go to rehab the first time when he realized the desperation of crawling around a crack house at 5 a.m., searching for any last remnants to smoke. The story's almost the same this time, too. Well, except Urban probably realized it after rolling over in bed at 5 a.m., seeing whose Botox-ridden body he'd just screwed.

Speaking of destructive relationships, O.J. Simpson is supposedly looking to profit from the death of his wife. Always desperate for cash to cover his expensive legal bills, Simpson will reportedly be paid approximately $3.5 million to "admit" to the killing of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman. His upcoming "fictional" autobiography, titled If I Did It, will detail how he would have killed his ex-wife and Goldman. Look for Simpson to release a special edition with video evidence of him committing the murders, a taped confession and pictures of him covered in their blood. All hypothetical, of course.

Accusations of physical violence sparked up stateside discussion concerning Paul McCartney's divorce from Heather Mills. Leaked divorce documents (thank you underpaid employees!) contained stories of the usually friendly McCartney attacking her violently on four different occasions, including one instance in which he stabbed her arm with a broken wine glass. The former Beatle apparently also continued his Sgt. Peppers's experience with a healthy diet of drugs and booze. Perhaps the most callous events involve his degrading behavior toward Mills because of her amputated leg, sometimes forcing her to crawl to their bathroom.

The incidents inevitably led to caustic British-comedian wit unheard of since the days of Diana. My favorite joke? A TV reporter asked McCartney if, based on his failed marriage, he'd ever go down on one knee again. He replied, "I'd prefer if you called her Heather."

Ob-la-di, ob-la-damn, son.

- Mattoo can be reached at mattoop@umich.edu.