We're back to school, and I'm back to writing the column that will forever tarnish Google searches of my name.

As reported by the National Enquirer, the spawning of Britney Spears's baby No. 2 was yesterday's big news. Though the prospect of being associated with "Lose Control" and "Crossroads" frightened the baby enough not to come out naturally, the doctors were able to grab the little bugger via cesarean section.

Spears admitted earlier this year that the child's conception was an accident, but she and professional husband Kevin Federline were ecstatic. And they celebrated the only way a Spears family should: with an Original Recipe Family Meal from KFC.

Fellow popstar Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas spoke to Time magazine about her long battle with a crystal meth addiction as a youngster, describing it as "the worst boyfriend (she's) ever had to break up with." She didn't comment on the drug's role in forming her album's first single, "London Bridge," but after a few spins, the drug's effect on her cognitive ability is fairly obvious. That whole thing about her looking like a man, though? That's all genes.

Ben Affleck appeared to be on some of those Canadian drugs on a recent YouTube-circulated video, which featured the actor groping a Montreal television host in 2004. Not only does the clip show a dazed Affleck asking the host to sit on his lap and do the show topless, it also contains the greatest date-stamped pickup line of the Super Bowl fiasco era: "I do Justin, you do Janet."

Any attempts by Affleck to deny his behavior at the time as nothing more than an acted performance for entertainment are undoubtedly false, judging by any of his recent movies. Instead, praise Affleck for recognizing that the fastest way to a girl's heart is through a flimsy shirt (preferably from Forever 21).

While Affleck has sobered up and moved into the blandest relationship in Hollywood, Us Weekly superstars Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom recently broke off their courtship. It's debatable how the two will split up all their possessions after staying together for such an extended period of time. I mean, who gets the eyeliner?

Tension from their competing films may be a reason for the breakup; Bloom likely referred to all-time box-office standings as the trump card in all arguments. But fear not, TeenBop readers: The two will forever be entwined. Rumors spread earlier that Bloom transmitted herpes to the ever-shrinking Bosworth. There's no better way to say "I love you" than herpes, the gift that keeps on giving.

From a herpes-ridden couple, we go to a herpes-ridden "woman": Paris Hilton. The model/singer/actress/porn star inevitably makes her way into the news, and nobody else seems provide more material for college newspaper-worthy snark. Last week, she was stopped for a DUI while making a trip to L.A. hotspot In-N-Out Burger. Not surprisingly, the arrest only enhanced Hilton's party-girl image, endearing her to a generation of girls destined to be spoiled sluts and the boys ready to help them.

The late-night-munchies trip was marred when officers pulled her over with a blood alcohol content of .08, the minimum for conviction in California. Hilton must have felt right at home ending her night with her lips drunkenly wrapped around a breathalyzer, blowing until somebody told her to stop.

Too easy.

- Mattoo can be reached at mattoop@umich.edu.