By Superman

Yup, I'm back. After Batman threw a fit about being embarrassed so routinely and needing a week off, we're back. And trust me, I'm spitting venom all over our flying rat friend.

It's Halloween, one of my favorite times of year. It's really quite an honor to see so many children dress up in your likeness. Usually when people are dressing up like Batman, it's because it's the only thing left on the rack at the costume shop. But that's beside the point. What we're talking about is tricking over treating.

I'm assuming this is an 18 and over audience. That said, it's obvious we trick over treat. And for clarification, it's treat like candy, not ass. If we were talking about ass, it's definitely a night of tricking and then getting some fine "treat."

Tricking comes with a rush. You work your way from ding-dong ditching, to illegal fireworks, to smashing pumpkins, to getting so drunk you won't remember what that coeed looked like. It's a rite of passage, and it's all in good fun.

I'm known as quite the superhero/prankster. Your boy the Riddler has nothing on me. And when I can convince Lois Lane to dress like a school girl, it's definitely worth it.

Batman, what have you ever done for Halloween? You chase around people who dress in costumes every fucking day, for crying out loud. What could you possibly do to any of them? Leave a myserious letter with an exclamation point written on it for The Riddler? Stack piles of winter coats on Mr. Freeze's front porch? I could go on all day, you know.

I know why Batman likes his candy. He's got a sweet tooth but not the kind you can quench with a Butterfinger. Bruce and his pal Robin like to use all the candy they get on this sacred night and melt it. The melted candy then goes into a bucket with a little whip cream for some kinky fun. Sorry Batman, it had to be said.

Happy Halloween.

By Batman

Forget trick or treating, let's talk costumes, which is what Halloween is truly about. Your little pranks will be forgotten soon after; a good costume can be legendary?

I've been trying to play nice until now, but since the cape is clearly cutting off the circulation to your brain (you know, the place where you use things like "logic" and "English syntax"), I'm pulling no more punches.

So basically you've written some more slanderous trite. More low blows from the guy who has been banging Lois Lane for years and still can't pop out a super brat.

Guess you're not only stopping bullets, but shooting some blanks ones as well.

OK, so Batman is dark, sultry and dangerous. Pretty much the holy trinity of ingredients for a successful costume. Over the years of actually stopping and locking up my villains (instead of trying to glad-hand global enemies like Superpunk), my costume has always been the epitome of style. You look like a rural Wal-Mart kid in a weak-ass set of tights and huge yellow letters.

Look at you. You're wearing red underwear and a leotard! Why don't you just go around doing the steps from "Swan Lake" while you're at it, Mr. Two Left Feet.

What's so awesome about Halloween is that we can all be a little extra wild and stylish, Superman is clearly cool for like family reunions and visiting grandma, but when it's time to get it dirty, who do you need. You need Batman, dressed in black, ready to menace the criminals and menace in style. Don't ever step to the Bat.

Gotham, bitches.