I thought about writing this column about why you should watch the Oscars, since they have a great significance in society as a social commentary on the public's changing tastes on different issues. After staring at a blank screen for three hours, I threw in the towel.

The Academy Awards are either something you watch every year or would never watch even if paid. It's hard to convince the latter viewer otherwise, since I don't really know what to say to someone who's upset that "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest" didn't get nominated for best picture or that Josh Hartnett was slighted for his performance in "Lucky Number Slevin." I've been forced to transform into somewhat of a film snob since I started working at the Daily, so I'm not supposed to relate to you. But I do, I really do. In a perfect world, I'd be crying when Sylvester Stallone raised his golden statue and yelled incoherently after winning best actor for "Rocky Balboa."

Sadly, we don't live in that world, and the Oscars are all about that very kind of snobbery, which alienates the show from the public. As demonstrated by the program's diminishing ratings each year, there's an increasingly large gap between the Academy and the general moviegoing audience. The sad part is that the event's inclination toward snobbery turns off many people to great films that mainstream America dismisses almost immediately. People assume the only reason a film about gay cowboys would be nominated is because of the bleeding-heart liberals who run Hollywood - not based on its actual merit.

Granted, sometimes the public's tastes do align with the Academy's. "Return of the King" delighted fanboys everywhere when it swept the show in 2005, and who can forget when "Titanic" confirmed its place as the absolute-best-movie-of-all-time-ever-made when it won an record 11 Oscars to complement its $600 million box-office run. Ask any true film snob about this "unfortunate" situation of a fan favorite winning, however, and you'll meet with responses like "Seriously, 'Gladiator' was so melodramatic" or "Without a doubt, 'Braveheart' is the most overrated film of the '90s." But hey, if these critics didn't take themselves seriously, who would?

This year's Oscars appear even less exciting than previous years because all of the major awards seem predetermined. A fat-suitless Eddie Murphy will take best supporting actor, and she's-a-singer-not-an-actress Jennifer Hudson will claim the supporting actress award in a category otherwise populated by a chubby 10-year-old and a Japanese girl who didn't talk for most of her movie. A very loud Forrest Whittaker will get top acting honors, shafting Peter O'Toole for the 47th time, and Vegas-odds favorite Helen Mirren will win best actress or I will run through the Daily offices naked next week. Scorsese will win his lifetime achiev . I mean best director award at long last, and best picture should go to either "United 93" or "Children of Men." Wait, they weren't nominated? Oh, then I don't give a shit.

My advice to the Academy is to make the show shorter. No one cares about sound mixing and the best foreign-language animated short or whatever it is. After such extraneous categories are cut from the live telecast (as many already are), the only people allowed to give speeches are the top six categories I mentioned above because we don't care how many people worked together to make "Happy Feet" come to life. And when you do win, you're only allowed to thank 10 people (God included), and there can be no off-topic diatribes about fuel-efficient cars or the war in Iraq. There: Now the program is a clean two hours and people might actually make it to see what wins best picture without falling asleep, only to read about it on Yahoo! the next morning.

So as I sit in a hot tub under the California stars watching the awards this Sunday, I'll think of you, dear reader, and how I've surely inspired you to take part in watching the pretentious parade of self-indulgence that is the Academy Awards. And when you think you can't make it through another second of the costume director for "Marie Antoinette" thanking every person she's ever met, remember to persevere. Maybe something will win that you actually care about. Maybe someone will make a truly thoughtful and inspiring speech. Maybe Scarlett Johansson will have a wardrobe malfunction. Well, maybe not - but we can dream, can't we?

- Tassi would like to thank his mother, Jeffrey Bloomer and God. He can be reached at tassi@umich.edu.