“Freeze Dirtbags, you’re saved!”

So goes TV’s newest catch-phrase from the latest police
procedural drama starring everybody’s favorite messiah and
savior, Jesus H. Christ. As a private investigator hunting crime on
the cold, gritty streets of Buffalo, N.Y., the Son of God busts
dope dealers and potential sinners in this exciting new network
series.

After returning from Heaven to reestablish his kingdom on Earth,
Jesus decides his best plan of action is to bust the common
criminals wreaking havoc on the poor people of Buffalo, HARDCORE
STYLE! Driving around in his custom red GTO, the Son of Man
presents an imposing and unhinged force of righteousness.

“Go ahead, make my ‘St. Crispin of Babylon’
day,” says the Christ child and you believe he might really
blow away the Scientologist pusher who has been working the local
school yard, and actually pull the trigger on the sacrilegious
douche. It is an exciting and frankly stunning moment for Western
religion and Evangelistic bastards alike.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been reviewing TV shows for quite
some time, but holy crap, literally, this is the greatest
television show ever seen by mortal eyes. Nobody this side of the
Promised Land knows what kinda crazy retribution that Emmanuel
reborn is capable of in these wacky times.

With the steamy new love interest of Mary Magdalene, the
assistant to tough but confused Mayor Hornblower, who keeps riding
Jesus for his unconventional tactics of justice, this show has sex
appeal craved into the sanctified stone tablets of history.

Is it better than “CSI: Miami?” Of course. Is it
more enlightening than the collected writings of St. Augustine?
Without a doubt. Is it better than “The Father Coughlin
Mysteries”? That remains to be seen.

Meet prime-time TV’s newest superstar — a carpenter
from Nazareth.

Rating: 5.5 stars out of 5.