You know what offends the shit out of me? The terrible fucking music in grocery stores. Sorry for the cuss words kids, but I don't want my rage to be mistaken for jest. Muzak makes me want to throw things and insult strangers. I don't want to take it anymore, and neither should you.

It's not just grocery stores and elevators playing that crappy pap, either - it's everywhere. Clothing stores, airports, hospitals (!), restaurants and (shudder) the mall. Most people can tune it out, but some of us aren't so lucky - and we, as people with ears and a modicum of taste, don't have to put up with it. Is there someone we can blame for this?

I'm so glad you asked

George Owen Squier, I curse thy name! The former two-star general developed the technology, founded the Muzak company and promptly died the year his product was introduced. It would be cruel to suggest one had to do with the other, but when Vladimir Nabokov is calling your company "abominably offensive," you might have some karma issues. Rest in schmaltzy peace you saccharine bastard.

Before you get all "studies show music increases efficiency blah blah blah" on me, I'd like to point out that just because music does increase productivity, it doesn't mean it has to be boring or lame. In fact, I believe studies have also shown that Bach and Mozart make babies smarter. That's good music being put to good use.

I mean, have you ever been to Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle or whatever store teenagers shop at these days? Yeah, neither have I, but my little sister tells me it's unbearable. Loud blaring techno makes people want to shop? Maybe it makes them want to shop faster so they can escape that aural hell, but am I crazy for thinking that people might buy more junk they don't need if the music actually makes them want to stick around for awhile?

It's not like there aren't alternatives. Mom-and-pop shops seem to get by OK without fancy muzak systems by, you know, letting their employees pick the music. All other issues of convenience aside, wouldn't you rather go somewhere with a little personality? The employees are happier when they don't have to listen to the same thing over and over. Everyone wins. I guess sometimes these things make too much sense.

Instead we get to hear Kenny G or some other assclown with a linen suit and a ponytail play faux-jazz that has no soul. Some people call it smooth - a word that could also be used to describe my bowel movements. Almost as bad is some random orchestra playing their cheesy rendition of a song that was popular 50 years ago. There's no way any music with the prefix "Nu" ought to be taken seriously, and there's no way anything labeled "adult contemporary" or, God forbid, "easy listening" ought to be played anywhere, at any time, for any reason (other than maybe yoga sessions or the dentist's office, but even then).

And don't you dare confuse new age with ambient, or Brian Eno is going to come to your house and . do something nasty to you, I don't know. He doesn't really seem like a mean dude, but whatever. Anyway, ambient is not to be confused with Ambien - as in it shouldn't put you to sleep.

But hey, occasionally you'll be at Kroger and a song from Rubber Soul will come on, or one cool December night I even heard Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" while I was making the difficult decision between Cocoa Puffs and Count Chocula. I was so filled with joy and goodwill that I immediately bought five large Christmas hams and donated them to the nearest shelter. OK, maybe not, but I did hear that song and I was pretty excited about it.

For real though, I don't think anyone would mind Sam Cooke instead of John Tesh, or John Coltrane instead of one of the Brecker Brothers. It's not like I'm trying to shove Albert Ayler or Sunn0))) down anyone's throats, I just want a peace treaty on this subtly despicable war on our culture.

- Don't even get Cargo started about on-hold music. It's a little scary. If you feel the need to test him on this, you can e-mail him at lhcargo@umich.edu.