If aliens are tuning in to our television shows, they must not have a very high opinion of the 18 to 24-year-old demographic. Chalk that up to MTV, which portrays us as petty drama queens whose few concerns include winning challenges on Road Rules and making the high school cheerleading squad.

Don’t believe me? Right now I’m watching “The ‘70s House,” and Peter just said to a fellow housemate “I don’t feel like you be keeping it real in this house” after someone failed to wash a cereal bowl from breakfast.

On CNN, our parents usher in the computer age and demonstrate America’s resilience after Sept. 11 on CNN. (“Then the firefighters rushed into the collapsing building, eyes blazing with courage.”) Our grandparents stave off Nazism and survive the Great Depression on The History Channel. (“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”) Meanwhile, we stand by as Xzibit pimps our rides and Ashton Kutcher tricks celebrities into awkward situations on MTV. (“Look like you been punk’d, dawg.”)

I’m not worried about what aliens think of our hip-hop flippancy, but I am worried about how our elders perceive us as a result of what they see on television. After all, they are the people who will hire us when we get out of college and who decide whether our teenage brothers and sisters can enter convenience stores at a clip of more than two at a time. If MTV has convinced them of our childishness, we could all win Nobel prizes, and we still wouldn’t stand much chance of earning their respect.

In the last week, I’ve watched a spattering of MTV from the perspective of a 45-year-old. Here’s what I found:

Saturday, 1 p.m.: Xzibit changes someone’s life by painting his broken-down Dodge Caravan psychedelic colors and inserting faux-waterfalls. And who says our generation isn’t generous?

Sunday, 8 p.m.: On “The ‘70s House,” a group of twenty-somethings are locked into a house and immersed in the culture of the ‘70s. Sample quote: “It’s not fair that we have to wear these ‘70s clothes all the time.” Later, on a preview for a future installment, one of the girls says, “Um, I didn’t use the record player because I don’t even know how to!”

Tuesday, 1 a.m.: On “Room Raiders,” a lesbian searches the room of a trio of girls to decide which one to date. She finds scandalous underwear, handcuffs and other assorted items that you wouldn’t want your parents to find. Nothing says responsible young adult like agreeing to share your sex toys on national television.

Wednesday, 9 p.m.: On “Made,” a girl is frustrated because her quest to become prom queen is failing. One of her friends puts a poster advertising her campaign in the boys’ washroom. A few seconds later, her friend comes in and says: “They pissed on it, and they ripped it off. That’s not cool!” Later in the show, a classmate rips the head off of another one of her posters.

If you’re an older person and you’re watching this, what are you thinking? Probably not that our generation is ambitious and resilient. If they’ve watched even only 15 minutes of MTV while flipping through the channels, people must think we’re disrespectful, sex-crazed, petty, selfish and utterly obsessed with Lindsay Lohan. Now that’s the kind of person I want to have in my office. If we keep this up, our grandparents will be known as the Greatest Generation, and we’ll be known as the Not-Quite-As-Great Generation.

Don’t get me wrong; MTV is entertaining, cutting-edge and a huge moneymaker. I don’t think it should change to the point where it shows teenagers doing community service 24 hours a day. That would be inaccurate and, worse, boring. But maybe it could meet the older generation halfway. The network could maybe show one normal kid once, say, every two or three days, and older people could agree to keep an open mind and divide reality from reality television.

If that fails, all is not lost — at least the aliens will think we’re attractive.

Stampfl is a Daily fall/winter administration beat reporter. He can be reached at kstampfl@umich.edu.