Once upon a time, sorority girls could be identified by the
presence of North Face fleeces, Frappuccinos, and cell phones
firmly glued to one ear. As time passed, however, more and more
women outside the Greek system embraced the same look, and the
University’s sorority girls became indistinguishable from the
general population. Upon realizing this grave turn of events, I
imagine much discussion and debate was brought about on how to make
the Greeks stand out in a crowd. The Panhellenic members finally
solved the problem with the introduction of the worst fashion trend
on campus: sorority ass-pants.

With shirts proclaiming one’s Greek alliance covered up
due to Ann Arbor’s dependably cold weather, sororities turned
to the next best place to draw attention: their own asses. Like a
suburban gang, each sorority member uses the ‘ass as a
billboard’ strategy to convey her allegiance. The red and
blue used by the Bloods and Crips are replaced with a series of
letters we wouldn’t know without having gone to our fair
share of frat parties.

The great irony of these sweatpants lies in their purpose. In
the form-fitting fashion of late, female clothing has been designed
and worn for the purpose of accentuating various physical assets.
Sorority sweatpants, however, draw attention to an otherwise
pleasant rear end and cruelly obscure what lies beneath with their
general shapelessness as well as those godforsaken letters.

This trend directly affects the male population as well. Now
anytime a guy, bored in class, is trying to get a view of that hot
girl who sits a row in front of him, he encounters a Greek spelling
lesson. This leads to awkward staredowns with a girl’s ass
while he tries to decipher the message. A harmless little peek is
turned into a full-on gaze, and, after a little while, people start
to notice.

An even worse trend than the sorority letters is the spread of
Juicy Couture pants. Often a fashion disaster perpetrated by
sorority ass-pant wearers, Juicy fans stick out on campus as those
spoiled enough to spend an exorbitant amount of money for what is
essentially a tracksuit. Never mind the fact that these girls are
walking around campus looking like they’re coming straight
from a gym — the most egregious aspect of the popular velour
pants is that they cost so much money. The idea that one would pay
more than $80 to look like a scrub doesn’t seem to make
sense. In addition, the implied sexual connotation of
“Juicy” on these J-Lo wannabes leave those stuck
walking behind to wonder what would possess someone to declare
their ass such a valuable commodity.

So ladies out there, as we head into summer and eventually a new
school year, please leave the ass-as-a-billboard trend behind. If
you’re just trying to get guys to look, don’t worry: If
you have an ass that warrants attention, guys will be staring
anyways. We don’t need a language lesson or something
‘sexy’ written across it to make us look. If your main
purpose is not to impress boys and instead to create some sort of
fashion statement, please stop; you’re only making it easier
for others to make fun of you.