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Jamie Block: My TV nerd battle royale

BY JAMIE BLOCK
Daily TV/New Media Columnist
Published December 10, 2009

The way I see it, there are four great TV shows that either spawned or were spawned by game franchises: “Beyblade,” “Yu-Gi-Oh!,” “Pokémon,” and “Digimon: Digital Monsters.” These terrific 'toons held my childhood self rapt on many a Saturday morning. And to this day, I find myself perusing YouTube listening to the old theme songs that captivated me, every so often watching a full episode.

But there is one mystery regarding these four shows that remains unsolved, even now: Which one is the best? They are all magnificent works of overdubbed art. But which one rises above the rest as champion of the children’s anime world? There’s only one way to solve this. As Yugi Moto so wisely yells, “It’s time to d-d-d-d-d-duel!”

The Underdog Bracket: “Beyblade” vs. “Digimon”

In the blue corner, we have “Beyblade,” an epic anime centered on battle tops — yes, battle tops. But these aren’t your grandma’s fighting dreidels. These twirling towers of weaponry are equipped with blades, spikes and, most importantly, the spirits of ancient mythical beasts.

In the red corner, we have “Digimon,” a world of computer-generated giants and the kids who must save it. With such convoluted, ripped-off terms like “digivolution,” “digivice” and, oh I dunno, “Digimon,” you know the show is full of tacky, overblown digi-goodness. And as the theme song proudly proclaims: “Digimon are the champions.” But are they really?

“Beyblade” launches into the arena, armed with a simple formula of showing off tournament competition in its fictional, top-centric world. But in stomps “Digimon” atop an angry Raidramon, highlighting the show’s subdued-yet-spiky anime style.

All of a sudden, a giant dragon emerges from “Beyblade” for some unexplained reason, but “Digimon” swiftly evades the monster and lunges in for a bite to the jugular (if tops have jugular veins). The dragon re-emerges, and “Digimon” once again evades. With such limited subject matter and repetitive plot form, “Beyblade” can’t win. The engaging plot advancement of “Digimon” is just too quick. “Digimon” wins the bout, and the dreidel comes up nun.

The Popular Bracket: “Yu-Gi-Oh!” vs. “Pokémon”

In the mauve corner, we have “Yu-Gi-Oh!,” the ultimate in spiky-haired, card-dueling tomfoolery. With a strong set of developed characters, small-business struggles, corrupt CEOs and a more-than-healthy dose of Egyptian mythology, there was no theme “Yu-Gi-Oh!” couldn’t touch. Combine all that with elves, dragons, traps, magic and giant holograms and you’ve got a nerd’s wet dream.

In the chartreuse corner sits “Pokémon,” which requires no introduction. Accompanying one of the best game franchises of all time, the show made everyone’s favorite cute and cuddly companions even cuter and cuddlier. Add to this an unfailing sense of humor, great music and moral messages and you’ve got one hell of a series.

“Pokémon” chooses you, Pikachu, with your adorable, children-friendly pugnacity. Meanwhile, Yugi Moto summons his favorite monster, Dark Magician, revealing the darker fantasy vibe of “Yu-Gi-Oh!” Pikachu tries to use tackle, but misses when he does a pratfall for attempted comedic affect. It’s not very effective. But Pikachu recovers and uses Thundershock, illuminating the visual spectacles of the “Pokémon” series. But then Yugi yells “You’ve activated my trap card,” and you fuckin’ know all is lost for the little electric mouse. With unpredictability inherent to the card game it features, “Yu-Gi-Oh!” defeats the overly immature and formulaic “Pokémon” series. “Meowth, that’s right,” everyone. “Pokémon” fainted.

The Championship Round: “Digimon” vs. “Yu-Gi-Oh!”

All right, readers, this shit just got real. Let’s slow things down and have a real, detailed fight here. Nothing dirty. Nothing below the belt (not that the target audiences for these shows even know what that means). And no more oddly scripted pseudo-battles.


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