1. I fucking love Halloween. You"re reading this now and you"re probably like "Well who doesn"t? I mean seriously!" But I love Halloween, I really do. In fact, I like all holidays, even the Jewish ones. Somewhat related to this topic of holidays, me and "D-Town Dana" just spent a most enjoyable Sweetest Day together. Sweetest Day may be a conspiracy between greeting card companies, florists and restaurants to increase business, but I"ll support any holiday that gives us an excuse to embrace a loved one, look him/her in the eye/s and say "Hey man, I really care about you."

2. Before I go any further, let me say that people who are alone on Sweetest Day are huge losers. Anyway, me and D-Town made plans to do all kinds of fun, romantic stuff, and we made dinner reservations and everything, but we ended up just staying in and knockin" the bizzoots all day (and all night) long, know what I"m sayin"? Dizzoin" the nizzasty. Gittin" our lil" freaks on. And afterwards, eating a pizzound of raw cookie dizzough. It was truly a Sweetest Day to remember. I don"t know if I should be saying this, but D-Town Dana is a real tiger in the sack. I"ll cover that in more detail in my next column.

3. You might, by this point, be wondering why I"m numbering all of my paragraphs. And I suppose you have every right to know, Constant Reader, so I"ll tell you. My friend "Aaron Brink" (that"s not his real name, of course) pointed out that my columns were "OK," but they"d be more dynamic, engaging and easier to read if all the paragraphs were numbered or bulleted. So, I"m trying the numbering thing this week. If it goes well, I might try the bullets at some point in the future. That"s all.

4. I fucking love Halloween. If I know you as well as I think I do, you may be asking yourself "Why?" or maybe silently mouthing the word as you read this. Well, I"m now going to tell you why. First, late October is a beautiful time of year, what with the colored leaves and brisk chill that makes your extremities tingle in the most delightful way! Second, two very important people share a birthday on Halloween, my housemate Brooke (who is just the best remember to wish her a happy birthday if you see her on Wednesday) and Vanilla Ice, who I knew when he was just Robbie Van Winkle, a kind and unassuming young man who liked nothing more than to race his motorcycle around the neighborhood. Third, the holiday itself is absolutely bombdiggity. I"ll use paragraph five to describe why I think this is.

5. Candy is great, especially those snack-size Snickers bars. Scaring little kids and old people is great, especially if you"re like me and you have a ton of pent-up aggression that really should be worked out in therapy but is instead usually pushed way, way deep down inside. There is an atmosphere of debauchery in the air that brings out the snot-nosed little prankster in all of us. And most college girls I know use Halloween as an excuse to get super-sexy, costume-wise. It"s fantastic. All of the devils, angels, schoolgirls, French maids, kitty cats and belly dancers come out ... and all of them showing off their delicious asses! Now that"s my kind of candy! Yum yum, Trick or Treat!

6. Since Halloween is only six days away (can"t wait!), I"ll share a story with you. It"s a scary story, so if you have young children reading this with you, put them to bed right now. It"s about a boy named Dirk. Dirk was a fifth-grader who loved Halloween. When night fell on October 31, he rushed out the door to meet his friends, Mark, Eddie, Brock, Reed, Chest and Philip Seymour. After an hour and a half of trolling the familiar streets around his own, Dirk told his friends he felt like crossing the railroad tracks to "the rich side of town," where he could get some serious candy. Mark, Eddie, Brock, Reed, Chest and Philip Seymour all said they didn"t want to, because their parents had told them never to bother those people. Dirk had no parents he was raised by an older sister. So, he went off on his own, crossed the tracks, gave his friends the finger and called them "pussies."

7. Long story short, the people on the other side of the tracks, who seemed so nice from afar, gave Dirk Rice Krispie treats with razor blades in them and an entire fruitcake that could have just as easily been called a "fruit and rat poison cake." He ended up in the hospital and almost died.

8. So when you go trick-or-treating on Wednesday, there are a few things you need to remember. 1) Go with a large group, and stay with the group. 2) Do not bother rich folks. 3) Have everything you are given inspected by an adult before you eat it don"t give into the temptation to dig into your haul before going home. 4) Don"t wear dark-colored costumes cars won"t be able to see you and that could be dangerous. 5) Expect the unexpected! Bring a backpack with provisions for at least three days. You could get lost in the woods. 6) Stay away from 502 Catherine.