In the years of the most abundant energy,
most of us are seeking to maximize the ways in which we
“chill.” The passionate, the wild and the rowdy are all
treated with equal levels of ridicule and disdain. Scaling the
social ladder in your sphere of influence is no harder than doing
all of the easiest tasks around you and staying crunk at all
times.

Sadly, this blasé attitude seems to have trickled down to
our precious, precious party scene here at the University.

Now correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t the entire
point of partying to escape the restraint, the intellectualization
and to retreat into the sublime haze of the weekend? Then why in
polly-wanna-crunker would you ever hold yourself back?

On the party scene these past two weeks (and I hit the party
hard, much like a crazy, random avalanche) I’ve noticed this
disturbing trend of lackadaisical partying. Ideally you’d
like to have all of your parties located somewhere near
Crunkelvania (it’s right next to the Chocolate Factory and
the 36 Chambers), and they’d get started around midnight.

Trust me — I was in Barcelona, Spain for Christmas last
year — all the best European parties start late, and everyone
is well-dressed, bitter, and just emerging from the cloud of
fascism. Their parties rule.

Along with the late starting hour, you want a completely random
and borderline unruly bunch of people to make up your throw down
roster. As a descendent of generations of Irish rebels and freedom
fighters, I know trouble from about a peat bog away. My frequent
party companions include Punit “Straight Outta Ka$hmir”
Mattoo who brings style, armed rebellion and this awesome lamb and
rice dish to almost every party we grace.

Being two sons of war-torn nations, we know the best way to
achieve peace and understanding is to cause as much havoc as
possible.

If needed, use liberal amounts of crunk juice and screaming to
accomplish your goals.

Since wild parties are our goal, and Ann Arbor is located
nowhere near Crunkelvania, we must do our best to locate the finest
parties in our fair city. First off, as much as I loved patterned
clothing and exclusionary tactics, most Greek life events are
really for those within the system. For us outsiders, I’d
just say look for where the cops are headed and follow them. They
always know whurr the “illest” parties in town are
jumping off.

Go by these general rules of thumb: If everyone is sitting
around listening to music you’ve heard before, leave. You are
way cooler than them. If you’re the ugliest person there,
stay. You must have a super personality!

And remember, above all else, look for marching band parties.
They have the very passion you and all wannabe crunkateers should
emulate. They’re skilled, artistic and they have hats with
plumes. While they aren’t elitist music critics or
self-absorbed columnists, they did play really lame 80’s cock
rock and make it seem cool.

Screw it, I’m going to the trumpet party. No, you
can’t come.

Evan likes to party with the Ann Arbor Police Department. If
you know of a party that’s bound to get busted at some point
in the evening, he wants to know about it. To point Evan in the
direction of crunk on campus, e-mail him at "mailto:evanbmg@umich.edu">evanbmg@umich.edu.