Scandal rocked the Business School yesterday when the Monroe
Street Journal revealed that cheating has been the key to the
business program’s success.

A story in Monday’s edition reported that 59 percent of
all homework assignments at the University are copied by sub-par
students, who are too lazy to actually do any of the work assigned
to them.

This is accomplished by downloading completed assignments, which
are saved on to the University’s R drive server.

“They think we use the R drive for group work, but it was
a fucking gold mine for cheaters like me,” said Business
School junior Daniel “Packard Cup” Johnson. “As
long as one nerdy assclown does the OM homework, I never had to do
a damn thing.”

Junior Bob “The Animal” Jones added: “Now that
the R drive has been exposed, I’m going to have to transfer
to Michigan State — so I can learn to read.”

This news was especially damaging to the B-school’s
ratings, which have been adjusted to reflect the true knowledge of
all Business School students.

“In light of these recent revelations, we are dropping
Michigan to No. 764 on our list of undergraduate business
programs,” said Richie Rich, The Wall Street Journal’s
education editor.

Michigan now sits between Grand Valley State and Washtenaw
Community College in the rankings.

“Widespread cheating is one thing,” said Business
School Dean Robert Dolan. “But I will not sit idly by and
allow us to slip in the rankings. We will establish a new
commission to help us return to our rightful place as one of the
nation’s top business schools.”

Fortunately for the graduating seniors, most of them have
already scammed their way into high-paying jobs. “All you LSA
bitches may know how to do math and shit, but I’m going to be
making 60 grand next year,” said Mark Duprey. “Suck on
that.”

Despite the current scandal, several members of the Michigan
faculty remain optimistic about the school’s future.

“We have systematically taught these kids how to succeed
in the business world: lie, cheat, and steal,” said Adair
Klemstine. “I’m confident that these kids will find
another way to inflate their qualifications.”