I’ve got the post-election blues, knockin’ around in Ann Arbor city. Sorry to start off with an obscure Paul Simon quote, but it’s true: It’s tough to find politically-edged gossip when liberal Hollywood finally gets its way. The last two weeks have been sorely lacking in Sarah Palin parodies, sarcastic “don’t vote” viral videos and photos of Spencer and Heidi strolling Rodeo Drive holding rifles and wearing trucker hats. Obama girl has gone back to her old job, the lucrative Saturday night shift at the Spearmint Rhino.

Of course, the end of election season doesn’t mean the end of celebrity problems. The pseudo-feud between Scarlett Johansson and Lindsay Lohan recently heated to a low simmer as Johansson addressed the reasons why LiLo might’ve written “Scarlett Johansson is a bloody cunt” on a bathroom stall. “I don’t know what the motivation was behind that,” Johansson admitted. But I do. I’ve sent far more vulgar text messages after 12 vodka-red bulls and a cocaine dinner. Maybe Lohan was just frustrated by her recent problems with PETA. Apparently, she can’t walk through the streets of Paris wearing a snow-leopard pelt without arousing the ire of the activist group, who barraged her with flour as she entered a swanky nightclub Saturday night.

Her better half, Samantha Ronson, quickly fired back with a rebuttal blog post, which read a bit like the Port Huron Statement had it been written by a coked-out DJ. “There are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal,” Ronson concluded. Or, you know, to cut your blow with so it doesn’t burn your nose so much. I admire Ronson for (in)articulating her point of view, but it’s surprising she went on the defensive, considering the couple isn't exactly on the way to the altar. “Things are very difficult at the moment,” Lohan told a friend, regarding her relationship with Ronny, adding “I’m just trying to work out what to do.” I assume she meant who to do.

If nothing else, LiLo and Ronson’s relationship has proven that even wasted talents who can barely stand on their own stilettos deserve to find true love. Which is why Britney Spears has reportedly moved on from her disastrous cavalcade of exes and is dating a mystery man (sadly, it’s not Mystery himself). Finding love, however, isn’t much comfort when you’re in the throes of the worst existential crisis since Franny Glass collapsed at Sickler’s. “There’s no excitement, there’s no passion ... every day is Groundhog Day,” she laments in her upcoming documentary “Britney: For the Record.” She also mourns the decision to marry a man whose idea of a romantic dinner is reheated KFC with a bottle of two-buck Chuck. “I think I married (Kevin Federline) for the wrong reasons. Instead of following my heart and doing something that made me really happy, I just did it for the idea of (marriage and) everything." Yes, I believe that’s also why Obama ran for president. It was really the idea of being president that appealed to him, not the job itself.

Speaking of Obama, few have been as successful as he has the last two weeks. And who knows how to capitalize on the success of others better than Puff Daddy? (For personal reasons, I refuse to call him by any of his more recent nicknames.) That’s why, two years after releasing a cologne called “Unforgivable,” Puffy has unforgivably created an Obama-inspired brand named “I am King.” “When you see Barack Obama, you see a strong, elegant black man and when people see my ad, it’s almost like that’s the trend,” Puffy says of the similarities between the President-elect and his one-ounce bottle of scented water. The cologne’s nickname, according to the ad, is “The Scented Salamander.” Funny, that’s my nickname for ... oh, never mind. That one’s too easy.

These exploits have been fairly petty, even for a gossip column. So I’ll close with some seriously terrible shit happening to celebrities all across the country.