What"s the deal with the Grammys? I mean, come on, could they have more categories? I mean, "Best Vocal Peformance by a Lebanese Barbershop Quartert?" And why are they still nominating records that came out in the "90s? Who are these people, and why can"t they afford new records?

And what"s with that statue? What is that, one of those old-school hearing-aids? And what"s the deal with the "best record" category, anyway? Who listens to records? Who are these people?

Next thing you know, there"ll be a "best 8-track" category! And what"s with all of these dinosaurs being nominated? I mean, Steely Dan are sitting around their living room, reading their Burroughs novels, and suddenly they"re on camera. And Fagan"s all, "We won a Grammy? Did we release something last year?" And Becker"s like, "What"s the deal with that?"

I know, what is the deal with that?

Indeed, very little about the Grammy Awards makes sense. From the ill-defined eligibility requirements (Backstreet Boys" Millennium was so Spring of "99, yo) to the inexplicable nominations (Backstreet"s "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" instead of Backstreet"s "I Want it That Way"?) to the unspoken rule about having to sell at least a million copies to be nominated for one of the major categories (see: Backstreet Boys), you"d think any yahoo off the street could do a better job drawing up categories and picking nominees.

But since the only Grammy-related activity more fun than drawing up mock categories is guessing the winners of the real ones, us two yahoos hereby offer up our picks for the lucky few who"ll get to drag home one of those stupid statues.

Record of the Year: "Say My Name," Destiny"s Child "I Try," Macy Gray "Music," Madonna "Bye Bye Bye," "N Sync "Beautiful Day," U2

Who"ll win: "Music," Madonna. Why? Because the Academy loves older artists who reinvent themselves late in their career (see: Carlos Santana). Also: The cowboy hat.

Album of the Year: Midnite Vultures, Beck The Marshall Mathers LP, Eminem Kid A, Radiohead You"re the One, Paul Simon Two Against Nature, Steely Dan

Who"ll win: You"re the One, Paul Simon. Why? See above. Also: Old white people in charge of stuff love Paul Simon.

Best Group/Duo Performance with a Vocal: "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely," Backstreet Boys "Pinch Me," Barenaked Ladies "Breathless," The Corrs "Bye Bye Bye," "NSync "Cousin Dupree," Steely Dan

Who"ll win: "Cousin Dupree," Steely Dan. Why? See above. Also: Walter Becker and Donald Fagan were the Justin Timberlake and J.C. Chasez of smarmy, NYC-based jazz-pop movement of the early "70s, and they"ve only gotten catchier with age.

Best Female Pop Vocal Performance: "What a Girl Wants," Christina Aguilera "I Try," Macy Gray "Music," Madonna "Save Me," Aimee Mann "Both Sides Now," Joni Mitchell "Oops! I Did It Again," Britney Spears

Who"ll win: "I Try," Macy Gray. Why? Because Macy Gray is a black woman all white people in charge of stuff can agree on.

Best Male Pop Vocal Performance: "You Sang to Me," Marc Anthony "Taking You Home," Don Henley "She Bangs," Ricky Martin "6, 8, 12," Brian McKnight "She Walks This Earth (Soberana Rosa)," Sting

Who"ll win: None. Why? No one"s a winner when the nominees include a Don Henley solo effort that"s not "Boys of the Summer," a Sting tune that no one"s actually heard before and any Ricky Martin song.

Best Dance Performance: "Who Let the Dogs Out," Baha Men "Blue (Da Ba Dee)," Eiffel 65 "Be With You," Enrique Iglesias "Let"s Get Loud," Jennifer Lopez "Natural Blues," Moby

Who"ll win: "Natural Blues," Moby. Why? Because voters liked the "Natural Blues" Volvo ad way more than the "Who Let the Dogs Out" trailer for "102 Dalmatians."

Best Rock Performance Group/Duo with a Vocal: "It"s My Life," Bon Jovi "With Arms Wide Open," Creed "Learn to Fly," Foo Fighters "Californication," Red Hot Chili Peppers "Beautiful Day," U2

Who"ll win: "Beautiful Day," U2 Why? Because Bon Jovi is too pretty, Creed is too earnest, Foo Fighters are too tongue-in-cheek, the Chili Peppers are too tattooed and tract-marked and U2 are just that old.

Best Female R&B Vocal Performance: "Try Again," Aaliyah "Bag Lady," Erykah Badu "He Wasn"t Man Enough," Toni Braxton "As We Lay," Kelly Price "Gettin" in the Way," Jill Scott

Who"ll win: "He Wasn"t Man Enough," Toni Braxton. Why? Because she was "Toni" in Tony Toni Tone, right?

Best Male R&B Vocal Performance: "Untitled (How Does It Feel)," D"Angelo "I Wanna Know," Joe "I Wish," R.Kelly "Stay or Let it Go," Brian McKnight "Thong Song," Sisqo

Who"ll win: "I Wish," R. Kelly. Why? Struck a chord with voters who also "wish" they had D"Angelo"s abs.

Best Rap Solo Performance: "The Light," Common "Party Up," DMX "The Real Slim Shady," Eminem "Shake Ya Ass," Mystikal "Country Grammar," Nelly

Who"ll win: "Country Grammar," Nelly. Why? Because no one from St.