It's an honest-to-God mystery why any legitimate Hollywood film-production professional would ever greenlight a star vehicle as plodding, painfully unfunny and unbearably artless as Albert Brooks' new film "Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World."

Brooks, woefully serving triple duty as writer, director and star, could have stopped the title after the first three words.

Let's start with the plot: The U.S. government, apparently as inept as it is austere, contracts none other than Albert Brooks (playing himself, and doing himself no favors as either a character or a real-life comedian) to travel to the mystical Muslim world and mine its mysterious natives for information as to what makes them laugh.

Here's the problem: Brooks clearly doesn't know what makes good ole' Americans laugh, much less an entirely different culture. This becomes increasingly obvious through a standup routine that misguidedly includes some popsicle-stick puns, uninspired improvisation and even a ventriloquism bit. Brooks the director apparently recognizes the comedic incompetence of his onscreen alter ego, but it's never made clear whether the self-mockery is fully intended. Even if it is, what useful purpose could such self-humiliation possibly serve? The joke winds up flat and lifeless - an unfunny American comedian fails to find comedy in the Muslim world not because of any ingrained cultural differences, but merely because he doesn't know what comedy is to begin with.

Indeed, this poor, mangy comedy, promoted by its posters as a timely attempt to bridge a few culture gaps, dissolves into a meaningless and even tasteless ending which has Brooks unconsciously burning those bridges instead. We never find out what makes for comedy in the Muslim world; we never even find out if there's a difference. Brooks only ends up revealing one thing - that bad comedy is universal.

A stream of poorly executed madcap adventures ensue: In street interviews, Brooks discovers that "Polish jokes work everywhere." A band of shady Pakistani standups sneak Brooks over the border for a late-night gig around their campfire. Even Al-Jazeera tries to rope Brooks in to a TV sitcom about a white man living in a New Delhi apartment complex (with a title that translates roughly to "That Darn Jew"). Brooks also treats the audience to an excruciating running joke with his Indian office assistant, who, while bright, suffers from what's clearly a mournful ignorance of sarcasm - a grievous wrong which our hero promptly rights by teaching her comedy via bland, academic definitions.

All right, all right, maybe a few laughs do come through, if only as textbook cases of the audience laughing at the movie, as opposed to with it. When Brooks hits the stage early on for his standup act in a blindingly white Punjabi pantsuit, one of my fellow theater patrons had already mustered enough contempt to snort aloud (accurately) that he looked just like a "Pakistani Liberace."

Enough said. Bottom line: If you're ever out looking for anything, and this film is any indication, don't send Brooks to find it.

Rating: 1/2 out of 5 stars

Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World
At the State Theater
Warner Independent