Citing a rejuvenated interest in life and a desire to stop
running like a “weenie,” LSA junior Andrew McCormack
has not smoked a cancer stick since winter break.

The southern gentleman has always loved to run, and attracted
the attention of Michigan cross-country recruiters in high school
after zooming through a 3.3-mile run in the ridiculously short span
of six minutes.

“Hot damn, that boy is fast!” said men’s cross
country coach Ron Warhurst. “As soon as I heard about him I
wanted him to come and run for our fine institution. But dangit,
those cigarettes really screwed him up.”

“It was such a hard decision,” said McCormack,
grimacing as he chewed on a cinnamon stick.

“On the one hand, I really loved those cigs. But whenever
I’d smoke them at practice, everyone would look at me like I
had just hailed the Confederate flag! Not to mention all the stuff
I would cough up as soon as I started running.”

“For the record, the South shall rise again,” he
added.

McCormack picked up his smoking habit traveling en route to the
University, when a pretty girl offered him a cigarette on the
train. “Looking back, I think that purty lady was the devil
in disguise, set on cheating me out of a mighty fine running
career. What a ho-bag,” McCormack said as puddles of
cinnamon-flavored drool dripped out of his mouth.

Though he hasn’t smoked since December, McCormack admits
that a lot of damage has already been done.

“Man, no matter how many times I wash my clothes and my
hair, I still reek! I’m at my wit’s end here,” he
said.

When asked if it was possible that he just naturally smelled
bad, the runner growled and threatened to throw a chair at me.

All tobacco companies were unavailable to comment on the
correlation between smoking and lung damage because they’re
too busy trying to encourage people in third-world countries to
light up.

But McCormack said he doesn’t blame Philip Morris for his
running woes.

“The way I see it, it’s like investment
banking,” McCormack said. “He’s just doing his
job, and who cares if he’s selling his soul? He’s
bringing home the paper! Dolla dolla bills, y’all.”

Word to your mom, rock on, McCormack. We’re proud of you
(even though the South shall never rise again!)