It’s become a tradition to offer up suggestions for sports-themed Halloween costumes leading up to the big weekend.

But the truth is, I’m not very funny, I’m certainly not creative and I’ve never had a good Halloween costume. (Last year, wearing a seersucker sports coat and jeans, I tried to tell people I was dressed as Kevin Costner. No one bought it.)

Despite my shortcomings, continuing the practice of writing this Halloween-themed column is too important. So without further ado, here’s my attempt to make your costume hunt just a little bit easier.

— Go as the Michigan football team. Wear Adidas gear, show up early and get to the beer pong table. Dominate your first couple games, but eventually start missing the table, dropping balls and knocking over cups. By the end of the night, it should be pretty clear that you don’t even know which way is up. If anyone asks why you’re having such a hard time, tell them you won’t know the answer until after you break down the film from the night.

— Go as the Michigan State football team. Brag to everyone at the party about how you finally beat your big brother at something. Never speak in complete sentences. Lose your last four games of beer pong.

— Go as Matt Millen. Walk into the party wearing a suit and immediately start making awful suggestions to the hosts about where the keg should be placed, what the house beer pong rules should be and how to set up the living room. When you finally get kicked out, steal the keg (and $50 million if it’s available).

— Go as Adam “Pacman” Jones. The second you arrive at the party, start a fight. When your friends try to calm you down, keep fighting. Put on a different set of clothes and go to another party in the hopes that a change of scenery will calm you down. Repeat step one.

— Go as Ohio State coach Jim Tressel. Wear a scarlet and/or gray sweater vest. Get to the beer pong table and dominate lesser opponents. But when you face a good team, choke to the point where you’re knocking over your own cups for no reason.

— Go as a Tampa Bay Rays fan. Wear a Tampa Bay hat with the price tag still on. When someone asks if you’re from Tampa, reply, “Yeah, did you know we have a baseball team now?” If anyone asks you to name your favorite player on the team, pretend not to hear the question and walk away quickly.

— Go as Michigan women’s basketball coach Kevin Borseth. If anything happens that makes you mad, throw a tantrum the likes of which the world has never seen. Even if the only person listening is standing right next to you, yell as loud as you can.

— Go as Brett Favre. Demand everyone’s complete attention at all times. If you aren’t getting it, threaten to go home. If no one cares, change your demands and force your friends to take you to another party. Continue to demand everyone’s complete attention at all times.

I would have suggested that people dress up as Terrelle Pryor, but there’s no need to make anyone sadder about the football team than they already are.

— Sandals wants to hear your ideas for sports-related Halloween costumes, which will undoubtedly be far funnier than his. He can be reached at nsandals@umich.edu.