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Friday, February 10, 2012

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Dueling columns: Michigan vs. Michigan State

BY DAN FELDMAN — THE MICHIGAN DAILY
and Jacob Carpenter — the State News
Published October 22, 2008

In the week leading up to the Michigan-Michigan State football game each year, football writers from the Daily and the student newspaper at Michigan State exchange columns. You can find this year's installment below, starting with the Daily and followed by the State News.

MICHIGAN:

"I was just laughing. I thought it was funny. They got excited. Sometimes you get your little brother excited when you're playing basketball and you let him get the lead. Then you just come and take it back."

—Mike Hart on Nov. 3, 2007

As much as you try to escape it, Hart has you all figured out, Michigan State. You can run from the truth all you want, but everything you do screams "little brother."

You're little brother because the only comeback Mark Dantonio could think of was to call Hart short.

You're little brother because Chad Henne doesn't rhyme with douchebag.

You're little brother because of Braylon Edwards.

You're little brother because football, not basketball, is America's favorite college sport.

You're little brother because "your" biggest win last year was by a I-AA school.

You're little brother because John L. Smith slapped himself.

You're little brother because you planted a flag in South Bend, then fought Illinois for doing it to you.

You're little brother because Sportsline.com's Dennis Dodd listed Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio (along with coaches from Temple, Cincinnati and Brigham Young) before the season as "coaches who will soon have big-time jobs."

You're little brother because you're the lowest-rated school academically in the Big Ten.

You're little brother because you're too dumb to care.

You're little brother because when your plans to copy the historic success of Michigan football went up in flames against Ohio State on Saturday, you (allegedly) tried to emulate the Wolverines' (alleged) football player-on-hockey player violence.

You're little brother because you probably don't know what emulate means.

You're little brother because your girls' fake tans, sloppy blonde dye-jobs and low standards don't mean they're that hot.

You're little brother because you can't be a great party school and charge five dollars for a cup.

You're little brother because the University of Chicago has more Big Ten football titles than you do.

You're little brother because your inferiority complex is so big that "smash right through that line of blue" and "Michigan is weakening" were lines in your original fight song.

You're little brother because you had a clock counting down the seconds until the Michigan game months before the game time was decided.

You're little brother because after all the clock hype, you lost anyway.

You're little brother because rioting and couch burning are the highlights of your college years.

You're little brother because you don't understand that jokes like "What does a Michigan State grad call a Michigan grad? Boss." can't be reversed, so you do it anyway.

You're little brother because you were giddy with your football team's 7-6 record last season, which would have been the Wolverines' worst in 23 years.

You're little brother because you've tried to replace a 111-year tradition of mediocrity with clips from "300."

You're little brother because you take being favored against Michigan as a victory in itself.

You're little brother because, deep down, you know your annual collapse is just beginning.

You're little brother because six straight will become seven on Saturday.

Now, before you flood my inbox with poorly written letters, let's take care of a couple likely complaints.

"But Michigan State is better at basketball."

Like I wrote above — and I know you have trouble reading — football, not basketball, is America's favorite college sport. Let me know when you get the 75,000 people who attend your football games to go to a basketball game, let alone the 110,000 that pack the Big House.

"I got into Michigan and Michigan State and chose Michigan State because it's better."

You're lying.


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