Back when J. Edgar Hoover, that infallible defender of our constitutional rights, was playing dictator and spying on Americans as head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Daily's editorial page handed out the Edgar Awards annually to individuals and institutions best embodying his many admirable characteristics. Of necessity, we revived the tradition in recent years.

And so we present the fifth annual Edgar Awards:

- The Charlton Heston "from my cold, dead hands" Edgar goes to the University administration for stonewalling wheelchair accessibility concerns raised by the Michigan Paralyzed Veterans of America. Heston was fighting for rights, the University was denying them - it's hard to decide who did more to make the Constitution cry.

- The Kwame Kilpatrick Edgar for hanging onto political office after an embarrassing scandal stemming from use of an electronic device goes to Michigan Student Assembly Rep. Tony Vuljaj for getting re-elected to the seat he had resigned after being convicted of two felonies. Apparently career-ending scandals these days must involve hiring expensive hookers.

- The Defend Affirmative Action Party Edgar for maintaining the semblance of democracy in a pre-determined election goes to the "Uncommitted" option on the ballot for the Michigan Democratic primary. If only DAAP were as reasonable as "Uncommitted."

- The FEMA Edgar for timely responses to urgent situations goes to the University for its new emergency alert system. Almost a year after the tragedy at Virginia Tech, students now have a way to learn about campus crises in less than the 10 hours it takes a campus-wide e-mail to circulate. Text messaging is fine, but it would be better if President Coleman just stood on the roof of the Union and yelled, "The bad guys are coming!"

- The Guns N' Roses Edgar for most anticipated comeback goes to the Michigan men's basketball team. If we have to bet whether "Chinese Democracy" will come out before the basketball team makes the NCAA tournament, we're going with "Chinese Democracy." Coach Beilein, you didn't know what you were getting into. Welcome to the jungle.

- The Rodney Dangerfield "I don't get no respect" Edgar goes to the Graduate Employees' Organization for its one-day walkout. Overused, ineffective and mildly comical. Do those words to describe GEO's walkouts or Dangerfield's catchphrase? You decide.

- The Don Imus "nappy-headed ho" Edgar for sensitivity goes to former MSA President Zack Yost for his Facebook group mocking another MSA representative's Asperger's syndrome. Don't worry Zack, Imus got his show back.

- The Pike masturbator Edgar for embarrassing oneself in public goes to former MSA Rep. Kenny Baker for attempting to use an offensive Facebook group as a political springboard. Too bad Baker forgot that he wasn't wearing any clothes, either.

- The Hillary Clinton Edgar for clinging to the past goes to Hash Bash. Remember when Hillary was the frontrunner, man? It seemed, like, totally . what's that word . inevitable. Yeah, inevitable. Wait, what are we protesting for again?

- The Michigan State University Police Edgar for ruining students' fun goes to Michigan Stadium's ushers for throwing out Hot Dog Man during this year's Michigan-Oregon game. Flying beer bottles are dangerous, but who was ever hurt by a flying hot dog?

- The Beaner's/No Thai!/Quickie Burger Edgar for offending the delicate sensibilities of students goes to the South Quad Hall Council. It's only a matter of time before every restaurant on campus is called "Food" and every residence hall T-shirt simply says "Hooray for everyone!"

- The J. Edgar Hoover Edgar for unethical, incompetent investigations goes to The Ann Arbor News for its four-part series on athletics and academics at the University. Privacy is really not a big deal. And who needs ethics, anyway?

- The Perez Hilton Edgar for "I hate it so much, but I can't stop reading" goes to The Michigan Daily. It has sudoku. And Crime Notes. And, well, that's about it, but what else are you going to do in your econ class?