By Kaitlin Williams, Deputy Magazine Editor
Published November 27, 2012
Welcome to the Random Student Interview, where we didn’t have time to draw you any pictures this week and we’re too cold to care if you care.
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So I’ve got a confession to make. This interview isn’t really “random.”
It’s true. Actually, I usually wait outside of the Union, like by the fountain and the Cube, and try to find someone who looks friendly enough to talk to me, but it’s way too fucking cold for that.
So today I just wandered the Union and found you sitting here looking friendly. It’s totally profiling.
So I see you're doing some sort of biology work there. What do you want to go into?
I’m pre-dental. I actually find out on Monday if I got in here.
Cool. I hope you do, but it might be productive to talk about back-up plans. Let’s start brainstorming.
For both of us. OK, maybe more for me than you, but let’s start with you.
So, what are you going to do if you don’t get into dental school?
I would probably get a research position for a year until I could reapply so at least it would look like I was doing something in the field.
It’s the illusion of doing something?
OK. I see.
I’d stay on campus for a year and hang out with people.
But that’s boring. These back-up plans are fake because we’re both obviously going to be wildly successful individuals, so we can get creative.
OK then. I’d go develop an alternate personality in Las Vegas.
Wow, you’re really going for it now.
I’d become a card counter and win millions of dollars and retire early.
I feel like with a job like that, you’d need a nickname. What would your nickname be?
I would go for … The Electric Pussycat.
That’s so great. I think you should use that in dental school as well. You could be Dr. Electric Pussycat. Not that you need to go to dental school anymore.
You know, I think I could buy enough teeth whitening treatments to be happy for life with the kind of money I’ll be making, so you know what? I don’t need to go. I think I could just start a ring of blackjack card counters.
Would you have room for me?
But I’m not very good at math. I can’t count cards.
You could be our accountant.
Yeah, accountants don’t use numbers.
OK, I have a better idea: I could be the journalist who throws the police off your tail by printing misinformation about your operations. I’d pretend to be scoping you guys out, but really, I’d be on your side, protecting you from the media and the law.
I’d print an article that you moved to Atlantic City, but really, you’d still be in Vegas, living under another alias.
That’s a great idea.
Smoke and mirrors. Damn, that got out there. So … register for classes yet?
Yesterday afternoon. It was hell.
I already have 19 credits right now and I might have to sign up for more.
Yeah, I’m seeing an adviser. I haven’t really seen one this whole time.
OK, now I’m getting worried. Let’s talk about Christmas. Spice it up a bit. Oh wait, should I have said “the holidays” or whatever? How do you feel about people saying “Happy Holidays?”
As opposed to “Merry Christmas?”
I mean, I don’t really care. Like, I’m Jewish and I don’t care. It’s kind of like the same sentiment if someone says, “I’m praying for you.” I don’t believe in that, but if it’s something that means something to you, then it’s a nice gesture.
That’s nice. I wish everybody had that idea. So anyway, on to more important stuff: presents.
Yeah. What about them?
I kind of feel like this might be my last year to get some good stuff.
Yeah, well, what I started doing was going to the mall and taking pictures of things I want and sending them to my parents.
Subtle. Real subtle.
Yeah. So I have a photo journal of my wish list this year. I have pretty much the whole Fossil collection on there.
See I was thinking about just posting things on Facebook like “Man, I could really use some money or an iPod.”
Yeah. You should. Do it. Or just be less subtle like me and text it.
With a name like The Electric Pussycat, I wouldn’t expect anything less.
—Lauren is an LSA senior.