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Random Student Interview: World's end

Illustration by Megan Mulholland
Illustration by Megan Mulholland Buy this photo

By Jennifer Gustafson, The Statement Columnist
Published January 28, 2013

Welcome to the Random Student Interview, where the human race has been dissolved and it’s all your fault.

So, Devon, let’s say the world ends tomorrow. What animal do you think would have the best chance of taking over the human race?

Um …

And ruling them (us)?

I would say … dogs, probably.

Dogs? Why?

Dogs form packs. They multiply. They can live really anywhere.

But there are so many different kinds of dogs. Would it be, like, a reflection of humanity thus far? Different races of dogs? Race wars? Class wars between the chihuahuas and the labradors?

I feel like the dogs would mongrelize very quickly.

What does that mean?

Like they would all become mutts.

Oh, interesting. Why not? I’ve read some articles that said squids are very likely to rule us.

I haven’t heard about squids. Why?

I don’t really know; I didn’t really read into it. I just read the headlines that squids are most likely to take over after the glaciers melt and the waters rise, swinging from the submerged trees.

Uhhh … I just don’t think squids could kill all of the other species in the manner necessary to take over the world.

So how are the dogs going to take over? An uprising? Or is it the failure of the human race to sustain itself and so it just dies out?

I think dogs are the perfect blend. They’re carnivorous and they can kill, but I also feel like they’re not very high maintenance.

Like what?

Like you couldn’t have lions because lions just require too much to grow. Lions would decimate their food source. They’re too much of a tertiary predator.

That’s what they call me on the dating scene — “The Tertiary Predator.” (NOTE: They don’t)

They’re what we call the top of the food chain. Do you understand?

Don’t patronize me, Devon.

Sorry.

What’s making you so tense?

I have to finish this homework assignment.

That’s fair. Are you close to finishing it?

Not even.

Devon is an Engineering sophomore with Junior standing credit-wise. He wants you to know this.

NOTE FOR DEVON: I will meet you on the battlefield with my squid army.


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