Welcome to the Random Student Interview, a brief Q&A session in which truth and beauty can be found in the strangest of places. Please state your name and class standing for the record.

I’m Emily and I’m a sophomore.

Would you rather be stalked by a T-rex or a velociraptor?

Oh, velociraptor.

Are you sure? The T-rex is actually a scavenger.

But velociraptors can fly, right?

Those are birds. Moving on. Please rank the following in terms of importance to you, with one being the least important and 10 being the —

Ten? Oh my god.

One to five?

Yeah.

School, prayer, South America.

I’m going to give prayer number one. I’m a very spiritual person. School’s a close second, so I’m going to have to give that number two, and South America —

Why is South America last?

To be honest I’m kind of apathetic about it. I don’t really know much about it.

Don’t you know the capital?

No. Wait, South America the continent?

Yes. I think it has a capital.

It does? Interesting.

Two trains are heading toward each other — do you want a piece of paper? This is kind of a math problem.

Oh, I’ll try to do it in my head.

What major are you?

Neuroscience.

You might be able to get this then. Two trains are heading toward each other. One leaves Boston at 3 pm traveling at 70 mph while the other leaves Philadelphia at 3:30 pm traveling at 50 mph. What color are the Boston train conductor’s eyes?

Green and hazel. My eyes are green and hazel.

But you’re not driving the train.

I thought I was the conductor!

I didn’t say that. What’s E.T. short for?

Extra-terrestrial.

No, he’s got little stumps for legs. If a real-life sorting hat existed, what social stereotype do you think you would get sorted into?

Do you have examples?

Oh, sure. So say Hermione were to go to the hat — instead of saying, “Gryffindor!” the hat would say, “Loser!” Something like that.

So like loser or nerd or jock. Okay, I’m definitely not a jock. In high school I did pom. I don’t know if you know what that is…I would say I’m a nerd, but I’m still kind of friendly.

We’re getting a little off track. In what situation is it acceptable to lie under oath?

If you’re in a courtroom? I don’t think it’s acceptable at all.

What if you were to get in trouble, though, if you told the truth?

What kind of trouble?

Oh, fines.

I would have a guilty conscience.

Let’s say life imprisonment.

Hm…if I couldn’t get caught I would tell a little white lie, or a fib, just to twist the truth.

Understandable. If a spirit came to you from the great beyond and said, “Everything will be okay. Don’t worry. Existence is permanent,” would you still do your homework?

Yes.

What if the opposite was true?

Yes. I’d like to make the most of my life here. I feel like our generation is going to live until at least the early nineties, don’t you think?

I don’t know. You’re the neuroscientist. I guess what I’m trying to say is, do we have anything besides each other, and alcohol, to keep us going?

I think it’s important to believe that there’s some sort of higher power governing something that’s looking out for us.

Words to live by. Lastly, what’s the most annoying thing about small children?

I hate kids. Oh my god. I could go on for hours.

Do it.

Oh, they’re just so stupid.

And needy.

And needy, like, clingy.

They can’t even go to the bathroom by themselves.

I know. It’s very annoying.