"The Secret Life of the American Teenager"
Mondays at 8 p.m.
ABC Family

1 out of 5 stars

Ever scrounged for change to buy diapers or worried about finding a daycare provider while cramming for your biology midterm and searching for a homecoming date?

"The Secret Life of the American Teenager" — an ABC Family drama detailing the life of a pregnant 10th-grader who struggles to balance the mundane rigors of high school with the recent birth of her first child — has the potential to paint a picture of the life of real adolescents all over the country. But it fails: The show's wholly artificial nature creates something impossible to identify with.

After an infuriatingly long series of flashbacks from the second season of the show, season three opens with a conversation between focal point Amy Juergens (newcomer Shailene Woodley) and her mother Anne (Molly Ringwald, "Pretty in Pink") in which Amy complains that her mother isn't doing enough to help care for Amy’s newborn son John. Amy's immaturity is one of the show's biggest flaws. It's difficult to believe that even the most self-centered teenager could be so unaffected by motherhood. Her constant sense of entitlement puts the show in the uncomfortable position of having an innately unlikeable protagonist.

Almost every character on the show is solely one-dimensional. Grace, a religious teenager, makes reference to her faith in almost every scene. Wooden performances from the supporting actors, especially Amy's younger sister Ashley (newcomer India Eisley), add to the show's overwhelming sense of falsity. Amy's father George ( Mark Derwins, "24") delivers his lines in a gruff monotone that makes him appear absurdly angry no matter what is occurring onscreen.

Show creator Brenda Hampton seems to have modeled "Secret Life" after her previous program "7th Heaven," and the characters on both shows share wildly dysfunctional views on love and relationships and an overriding obsession with Jesus. Literally all of Amy's friends — from Christian zealot Grace to sheltered Ben (newcomer Ken Baumann) — are constantly preoccupied with losing their virginity. Even the lives of the show’s adult characters revolve around romantic conquests and manipulating other people's relationships. This overriding focus contradicts the show's pro-abstinence theme and seems an odd choice when the mistakes that lead to Amy Juergen's pregnancy are bemoaned constantly.

Plot twist after ridiculous plot twist is handled with the utmost sincerity. For instance, see the scene in which Grace's mother and brother walk into the house crying after receiving the news that her husband has died in a plane crash, only to be met by a glowing Grace and boyfriend informing them that the pair just had sex for the first time. Scenes like this would make the viewer think the show was supposed to be a parody of an overly intense teen drama if they weren't so deathly serious.

While the word "good" would not come to mind when describing "Secret Life," it's nothing if not entertaining. Viewers have to marvel at the sheer ingenuity of the writing team in stretching a single pregnancy across three seasons and the totally implausible storylines that somehow manage to reach new levels of implausibility every week. "Secret Life" might unintentionally be the funniest show on television.