The night before I left home for my first year of college, I had a heart-to-heart with a lifelong friend at our favorite coffeeshop. Within hours, we would be embarking on journeys to separate schools, putting 600 miles between us. And that night, in addition to saying our farewells, we mused on our anxieties about going to college, fitting in and meeting people in our new environments.

She was leaving soon for New York, where she would be attending school with only one girl whom she already knew. And though she was sure she’d quickly find friends, her story was decidedly more unpredictable than mine. I, in contrast, had made the decision to join 40 or so other kids from my high school en route to Ann Arbor. That number included many of my closest friends, in addition to the majority of people from my high school that I didn’t detest. I was optimistic and pleased about coming to college with a sizeable cushion of friends. But as I continue my second year at the University, there have been times when I’ve envied my friend in New York for going solo, so to speak, after high school.

On the one hand, it’s rare and delightful that I can hang out with my childhood friends, even in this pseudo-adult stage of my life. Sometimes just seeing them casually, even in passing, brings warm memories to my mind. And in the first weeks of school, it was certainly comforting to see a familiar face walking toward me on the Diag.

But as time went on, a number of questions arose regarding the new social world I was constructing for myself. I debated the extent to which I should see my old friends, whom I wouldn’t otherwise see in classes or my dorm. I wondered if I should try to incorporate my high school friends with those whom I had met in college. And I even considered whether or not I ought to consciously sever ties with certain friends for the sake of “moving on.”

I framed these questions on terms of what I “should” or “ought to” be doing, using these auxiliary verbs to imply some sort of obligation. Indeed, whether or not I was obligated to maintain my old relationships has ultimately been the key question of my adjustment to college life. And I suppose I’m still not sure I’ve figured it out completely.

If my friends were at other schools and I didn’t see them every day, I wouldn’t feel bad about it. There would be no superficial imperative to assert my love and affection for them. But on campus, if I didn’t see my friends from home on a regular basis, I often felt guilty. Since we were in the same city, I thought, I really had no excuse not to see them. And I’d often get that feeling that I get when I wait longer than usual to call my parents.

At our school in particular, perhaps as at any large public university, there are presumably many pockets of friends who have continued on together since high school or even earlier. And this can surely be terrific. For all of my angst over continued high school relationships, I, too, am still very close with a handful of childhood friends in Ann Arbor. But I think people in this position really need to consider their social decisions wisely.

It’s important to understand that none of us are duty-bound to maintain our relationships from high school. Old friends make terrific confidants and will unequivocally support you when you need it. But if the relationship isn’t fitting in with the life you’ve created in college, it’s essential to recognize this and figure out the perhaps less central role you’d like them to play. Also realize that no longer seeing your old friends frequently does not equate with no longer loving them. It just means you’re organically evolving with the ebb and flow of college and not adhering to the confines of adolescence.

I’m still a little jealous of my friend in New York. Not only did she create many new friendships, but she could also reinvent herself completely. Had she wanted, she could’ve shaved her hair or renamed herself Coco without anyone from high school rolling his or her eyes. But since I’ve gotten past the awkward questions — and gotten rid of the “shoulds” I had been hearing — I’ve been able to restore balance to my social life. And I know I’m much happier, too, with a perfect blend of old and new in college.

Matthew Green can be reached at greenmat@umich.edu.