Airports are underrated. Especially during the holiday season when the opportunities for mindless distraction are endless. While I could devote this whole column to the man on my flight that looked like Osama bin Laden wearing a French beret (hey, just because they’re terrorists doesn’t mean they can’t have style), there are even more ridiculous matters that deserve attention. Browsing the web before my flight back to Michigan, I came across this gem of Republican lunacy: Newt Gingrich — former Speaker of the House and one of the many de facto leaders of today’s fractured conservative movement — recently asserted on “Meet the Press” that "every Republican in 2010 and 2012 will run on an absolute pledge to repeal” the health care bill making its way through Congress. And, Newt, thy will be done.

This insane demand comes only a month after widely publicized proposals from Republican circles to deny Republican National Committee funding and endorsements to any candidate that doesn’t adhere, based on past statements and votes, to 8 out of 10 “core principles.” If you dogmatically support the Republican Party on every other policy, but don’t want the Berlin Wall built on the Mexican border, believe in civil rights for all people (not just those that behave and look exactly like you) and don’t think every American has the right to a submachine gun with their morning coffee, then you’re out of luck. This will serve to weed out internal dissidents and purify the party of “faux conservatives.” 


These proposals are far from being implemented, but it demonstrates a growing tendency towards purity over reform in the party. Based on this line of thinking, Republicans lost control of Congress and the White House not because they were too conservative and scared away too many voters, but because they weren’t conservative enough. The Republican Party, by running up enormous deficits with huge tax cuts, entitlement expansions and wars funded by thin air, became politically indistinguishable from the freewheeling fiscal liberalism of the Democrats.

When I first read about these ideas, I was overjoyed. The Republicans are going to further marginalize themselves by appealing to the extreme fringes of their support base, alienating the swaths of independents and moderates that decide elections. Democrats will skate to office largely uncontested from now until either President Barack Obama is found to be a double agent working for the Taliban or the Republicans find a way to inject a drug into the water supply that makes people think Sarah Palin is actually more intelligent than a rabbit (but it’s a really smart rabbit, you betcha). But then a thought hit me, what if the Democrats only backed “pure” candidates too?

At first, I imagined a world where politicians were nothing but a caricature of how the other party sees them. Democrats would, of course, all be Karl Marx. Common lunchtime Democratic conversation would feature the exploitation of the proletariat, the fashion no-no’s of Joseph Stalin, and the best methods of fomenting revolution. Republicans, however, would worship their almighty leaders, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin. All men would dress in the style of Lord Rush and eat their weight in jelly donuts to resemble his image of perfection, and all women would be forced to wear their hair in the Palin beehive or risk waterboarding. Since both Marxists and free market demagogues seek to eliminate the state (the former in its entirety to bring about the final stage of communism, the latter in all economic affairs), the two parties agree to abolish the government and settle all political disputes via the method of governance I advocated for in my last viewpoint: steel cage death match.

But once that little thought cloud above my head dissipated, I began to think deeper about the possible implications. If the Democrats and Republicans purified their parties, those who don’t adhere strictly to either party platform would have no recourse but to form new political parties. Party litmus tests might just be what we need to take down the two-party duopoly that force Americans to choose between the lesser of two corrupted, ineffective, often brain-dead evils and replace it with a thriving, multi-party democracy.

Instead of just Republicans and Democrats, the political process would be opened up to a host of new voices, and with more voices comes more ideas — something we’ve been sorely lacking for many years. While litmus tests are ridiculous exercises in ideological pandering, when they are taken to their extreme, politicians might not be afraid of taking a stance on an issue that differs from the Democrats and Republicans, because there could be another party for them. In an ideal world of political diversity, anyone with a few good ideas and some initiative could start their own party, launch a movement, and take the White House.